Trying for a boy!!

I had a nice, long blog typed yesterday, and what happened? The blog monster ate it. I don't know if other blogs have a monster, but mine sure does! It likes to eat the nice, long blogs and leave the short blogs. I hit post, and up comes an error that should say, "I know you poured your heart and soul into this blog and it took a long time for you to write, but it is gone now. Start over. Good-bye." I just gave up.

Anyhow, today I have another topic. I don't even remember what yesterday's was. I am SO TIRED of people acting like I am not a good mother just because I chose to work instead of being a SAHM. I get it from strangers, friends, acquaintances, and family members. Of course, there are others who are proud of the fact that I have earned two Master's Degrees and that I have put them to good use. I make good money, I like my career and where I work. I am satisfied with everything. So why can't everyone else be?

I was a SAHM from August 2006 until November 2007. I loved it and disliked it at the same time. I loved spending the time with Kaitlyn, and I also enjoyed being able to be pregnant and not work. I enjoyed doing the activities with Kaitlyn and knowing that I would be there for her when she woke up for the day and the one to put her to bed. I just went crazy, though! I went shopping like it was my career, because I was always looking for something to do. I am not the type of person who likes to be at home all day. I know that being a SAHM does not mean that I have to stay cooped up at home, but I also felt like... I don't know, it is hard to explain. I don't want to say "wasting my life away" because I loved being with my children and it wasn't that. I just felt like I was utilizing all of my degrees, wanted some adult conversations and some other obligations, and just in general I missed that. My husband's job really wasn't stable, either. We survived okay, but there were periods that he was laid off and I am sorry, but unemployment benefits STINK.

So I returned to work. I work 35-40 hrs/week at my current job and I like it. I make more $$ than my husband did, and he has been staying at home with them for over a year now. He is looking to return to work because we have more financial obligations than we used to and are struggling a bit. The older the girls get, the more expensive - preschool, dance classes, etc. My previous job, the job that I returned to the workforce with, worked me to death and I do regret the amount of time I was away from my family. That would be why I found a better alternative.

Am I a bad mom for wanting to work? I don't think so. I know all the arguments - I will never get that time back, moms raise them the best, etc. I think that the couple of times I have had a babysitter, I am happy with - I found someone to come to our house that we were all comfortable with. They were able to form positive bonds with their caregivers and enjoyed having them around. Heck, they probably enjoyed the change of scenery other than just seeing Mommy and Daddy all day!

In hindsight, my decision to return to work was a blessing for us. The economy here around good ole Youngstown, OH absolutely is the pits, and the company that Jeremy was working for when I was a SAHM laid everyone off for over a year. They are just now returning to work. We would not have been able to survive on unemployment benefits, and Jeremy is having difficulty finding work. We would have been screwed. Of course, we didn't know that at the time and so it was not a deciding factor for us, but at least I can justify the decision somewhat, if I even need to justify it.

I do not have any issues with women who are SAHM. If that is what they want to do, then I think it is great that they can do that! There are a lot of positives to it, that is for sure. I just wish that they wouldn't judge those of us who work. My children are very happy, well-adjusted children.

The whole conversation came up because I was just having a conversation with one of my employees at work, and we were talking about that. She basically told me that I am losing so much time with my girls, that I will never get that back, how difficult it will be when #3 comes along, etc. Very judgmental. She said she was a SAHM and that they just sacrificed cable, etc. for her to be able to do that. Great, I am happy for her - we don't have cable or anything either. That is the sacrifice we are making because my husband is at home right now. He does not have a degree or any advanced skills for him to be able to make as much money as I am. She said, "Well, I guess at least you know they are with your spouse." That seems to me as though I am supposed to be the primary caretaker that he is the babysitter. That I am leaving them with him as I would a babysitter. We are both their caretakers. End of story.

Okay, rant over.

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I got my BFP today! Holy cow - did not think it would ever happen!! I was going to wait until tomorrow to test so that I would be 12DPO, but I decided to do it today since it is Halloween. I took 4 tests this morning - yes, 4. I took 2 Wondfo internet-cheapie ones and a digital first. I took 2 Wondfo's because I just don't trust them - I did an OPK and it messed up and was a wasted effort by that brand before. The Wondfo's did not have any line and the digi was taking forever, so I figured that it was going to be a BFN. Well, imagine my shock when I saw "PREGNANT" displayed on the digi! WOW! I ran out and got the FRER that I was saving, and took that. There is definitely a line there, but sooooooo faint that I would have been debating about it all day - I am so glad I used the digi!

I had thought before I would do something cute for Jeremy, but the excitement got to me. He got up at 5:45 to check the weather forecast, and I jumped up, grabbed it, and ran after him. I tried to give it to him and told him to look at it, but he wouldn't take it because it was a "pee stick" and asked me to read it to him. LOL What a goof.

The bad thing is I cannot really share my news with anyone right now. I have 3 sisters, ages 26, 23, and 21. My sister, Jen, who is 23 just got diagnosed with endometriosis 2 days ago, and has to have surgery because her cysts are significantly growing. Her dr told her that she will not have a very good chance of conceiving, but that her best chance ever will be within 6 months after her surgery. Well, her fiance and her are not ready to have a baby right now, and she called me crying hysterically. All she has ever wanted to do is have children. She has surgery consultation on Thursday, and then after the surgery she will know more. They are hoping to be able to remove the cysts by endoscopy, but if they can't she will have to have full-blown surgery. Anyhow, after all that I am certainly not going to announce to everyone 2 days later that I am pg. So I am going to wait a while. I guess that will be good anyhow because I can make sure this pg sticks and give her some time to start to cope (not that she will probably ever come completely to terms with that). I feel so bad, and I told her that if she could not conceive but they wanted biological children, I would be a surrogate if she needed that. Of course she doesn't want to think about that right now, but at least she knows she has options.

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Finally - I am O'ing! I am on CD28 and I feel like it is CD1000. I just found out that TWO of my friends are pg, and countless other people on BZ are getting pg. I am so happy for all of them, but just so sad that I haven't been able to join them yet! One friend is due in May and the other in June, and if I got pg I would be due in July. They are holding out hope for me. We'll see what happens. I really had lost hope for this cycle, since last cycle I O'd on CD22 and that day came and went. I am definitely O'ing - had my peak on the CBEFM and a +OPK, and today I am SO nauseous and feeling the O pains. My temp should rise tomorrow.

I have been adamantly against going to see an RE because I feel like I have two beautiful girls and it would be pointless to go through all that. I was talking to a girl at work that tried for 2 years and then had IVF and now has beautiful little twins (born last December). She suggested that I go to an RE now and see what they would say. She said our insurance covered most of it and that it was actually pretty good for infertility, and she recommended her RE. She said she would recommend going now, especially since my OB is not doing any monitoring for the Clomid. My OB is simply giving me the Clomid and then having me temp, but she is not doing any u/s or bw to see if I definitely O'd or what is going on. I don't know, I am just so torn about it all. I mean, shouldn't I just appreciate the two that I have and not go through the pains of infertility treatments? The girl I work with suggested that maybe I just try injections and see if that will work, and then not go any further.

Part of me just wants to stop after this cycle and lose more weight anyhow. I am torn on that, too. As badly as I want to lose weight, I also want to get pg and have another child, too. I have been working so hard to lose weight. As a sidebar, my cousin lost like 50 lbs and has been flaunting it and bragging (I have lost 34 so far), but I do not even feel like congrats is in order because she was sick and lost it. So what? Good that she lost the extra weight, but it is not like she worked for it. She didn't do the counting of points or calories, working out, forcing herself to stay on the diet, tracking everything...

Anyhow, I digress. :) I am just hoping that I can take a test in 2 weeks and find out that all my decision in this post have been made for me with a BFP!! If not, it will be on to month 11, and a possible scheduling with an RE. I guess I will play the WAITING game again.

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Well, it is for me, anyhow! After so many cycles of not O'ing, waiting to O is worse because I always have that nagging doubt in the back of my mind that I am not going to O. Of course, 9 out of 10 months that little doubt was confirmed. Last cycle I was SO excited when I O'd. I obviously was hoping I was pg, but I was just so thankful that I O'd finally that it wasn't too disappointing to see the BFNs. Well, the refreshed feeling has passed and now I just really want my BFP so that I can move on!

10 months... who would have thought it would take me this long? I am going to be so upset if January comes and I still do not have a BFP to show for it, because that will mark 1 year of TTC.

I am on CD18, and last cycle I O'd on CD22. I had thought that I might O earlier because my OPKs were getting darker already, but yesterday's OPK was hard to tell because I used a different brand. I should have just coughed up the extra money and bought more of the CB OPKs, but I got the Answer brand instead. I am doing the POAS ones, not the cheap "20 sticks in a pack" ones. I had great success with getting a + OPK on the CB POAS last month. I guess I didn't pay attention to how much they cost me, though! I couldn't believe it yesterday when I ran to the drugstore and saw they were around $30 for a 7 pack! It comes with a hpt,but I have so many of those at home that I definitely do not need one of those! LOL The line with the Answer brand yesterday was lighter than the one with CB, but it does use red dye instead of blue so that could make a difference, as well. My CBEFM is too hard to tell, and I have learned to not read the sticks. :) The peak reading I got last month (first ever - so exciting!) I never would have eye-balled it and said peak.

I really hope I do O in the next couple of days. We have been bd'ing every other day. This cycle, I have not said a word about it except for the occasional wanting a baby stuff. Nothing about O'ing, OPKs, etc. I might end up doing that if I try to bd with him on a crucial night and he refuses, though. We'll see!

Gosh, I hope this journey ends soon and we can get our last BFP!

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I am amazed at how similar this cycle is turning out to be as my last one. My temps have gotten a little crazy, probably due to the fact that I no longer sleep with a fan and I have been sick on and off. But both cycles I had a jump in temp on CD8, the day after my last dose of Clomid. Kinda weird. I also had a backache on the same day. I was really hoping that I would O earlier, but from the research I gathered I probably will O around the same day. Despite the fact that the CBEFM asked me to start POAS a day later this cycle, I still got a high on CD10, the same as last cycle.

I have been throwing around the idea of holding off on TTC if I do not get pg this cycle. I am still losing weight (or trying to, at least) and I think that I would feel better if I took 2 months or so off and just focused on that. The problem is that I really wanted Aurianna and our newest addition to be less than 3 years apart. That means that I have to get pg by December. I don't know - I am just torn about what to do.

My dh and I have been having problems recently, although I am hoping that they were put to bed. I tend to take too much on my shoulders, and he tends to not take enough on his. That is a bad combination! I am an overachiever by nature, and I feel as though I should be making more money, getting a higher degree, etc. I need to realize sometimes that I can't do it all, but asking for help seems like a failure to me. So although I have two Master's Degrees, I decided to return to school (online) to get my Doctorate. We are hurting for money, so in addition to my full-time job I decided to get a part-time job. I thought it wouldn't be a big deal because it is at a daycare and I can take the girls, but it has proven to be very difficult to do everything. My dh and I have very different views on the household chores - I am very particular and like to have everything clean, and he is totally the opposite. I know this is because of his childhood, but it still frustrates me.

Here is a little snippit of his childhood: His dad died when he was 3, his mom was laid off from her job when he was 5, and I would love to say that his mom did whatever she could for them, but that would be a lie. She has never held another job, and there were many, many times that she had a place to stay and he did not when he was a child. He was homeless, stayed with friends, etc. She was horribly mean, and now she he is 33 she expects him to pay for a lot of her stuff. She lives in this wretched little trailer, still does not work, and does not take care of herself or her living space. He talks about some of the places he stayed - cockroaches, no heat, dirty - things that nightmares are made of.

So... I am competing against a childhood with no male role model, no model of how a good family should be, and no idea what is a nice, clean house. In general, he is pretty good about things. Lately I was getting stressed, but he is doing more and it is much better than what it was. I can live with it now. :)

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...Now I am on Clomid cycle 2 (or month 9, but who's counting, right?). I was so disappointed to get my BFNs, and I had a 12 day LP. AF left and I just finished my last Clomid pill last night, so I am on CD8 and waiting to O. I really hope that I don't O as late as CD22 again, but I know it is definitely a possibility. Okay, more of a probability than anything, since it looks like most people O around the same day when on Clomid. Oh well - at least I O'd last cycle!! I cannot wait to see those beautiful lines, feel the cramping, see my temp rise, and get to bd'ing! LOL My dr looked at my charts and said that I clearly O'd, and so she left me on 50mg. She told me to make sure I bd a little longer this time. Will do! :)

As a side note, the nurse asked me where I charted at and I told her FF. She said that the Dr. really liked my charts and she was going to pass on that information to the Dr. to tell everyone else. The papers she gave me to chart on were a joke, no offense to her. There were 6 tiny little charts squeezed on a page, and you could tell it had been copied MANY times over. The lines were all squiggly and hard to read, and the lowest temp was 97.0, with no room to put lower temps underneath. I always have a couple temps each cycle lower than that (my first couple of cycles had MOST of my temps below 97.0!) so that would not have worked. So I may have gotten FF some new business if my Dr. does put that on her sheets to give other patients. LOL

This waiting stinks!!!!!!!

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Luckily, I have been on vacation from work since the 13th and I have been SO busy that time is flying by!! I took a hpt today, but of course it was a BFN. Stark white - no chance of mistaking it! But I pretty much figured it was too early. I have so many symptoms, but I just don't know if it is the Clomid or because I am pg. I have been nauseous for a couple days on and off, cramping, backache, and my temp just keeps going up and up! My temp chart actually looks really good, but I know that certainly isn't the tell-tale sign. Oh well - I am trying to prepare myself for a BFN since this is the first cycle that I have a chance and I am sure I won't be that lucky, but it is too hard not to get my hopes up!! I keep checking other charts on FF to see my "chances" based on other BFP charts, and every day that I enter a higher temp the percent of charts with similar temps as mine that were pg goes up. I am now above 30%, and I started below 20%! Yay!! :)

I am going to continue to test every day. I am going to use the internet cheapies from here on out, and then starting 11DPO (Monday) I am going to use the FRER. If I get a BFaintP, then I will start using my digi's. I have a TON of tests, so I figure I may as well start testing!

If anything, I at least know that Clomid makes me O. My biggest fear was that I would not O on Clomid, and then I would be out of luck. So next cycle will yield another chance if I do not get it this time.

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I GOT MY POSITIVE OPK!!!!

FREAKING OUT HERE!

I have been waiting to O since JANUARY - yes, January!! On CD21 I finally got it! OH MY GOD. LOL I was on my way to work and realized I left all my OPKs at home. I have a thousand internet cheapies, but I didn't have time to run home. So I stopped and bought the CB sticks, and took one as soon as I got to work. I have been waiting because I have been nauseous and have been feeling what I thought were O pains, but they have all been negative. I POAS as soon as I got to work, and couldn't believe it!!! Definitely a positive. I wanted to run out of the bathroom and tell everyone I am O'ing - LOL. I don't think anyone would appreciate it, though!

Okay, here is my worry - we haven't bd'd in forever. Dh had really upset me about a week ago because he stopped bd'ing every other day like we were supposed to. I got over that and decided that I would wait until I got my + OPK and then we would bd like crazy. Now I am wondering if that is such a good idea. I called him as soon as I got the positive OPK and told him that we are bd'ing.

AHHHH!! I always have all this advice for other people, and now I am O'ing and freaking out. LOL HELP!

We bd'd the last 3 nights, and I had two days of + OPK (yesterday and day before) and then yesterday and today were the peak readings on the CBEFM (so excited to see that little egg on there finally!). I believe I probably O'd today, which will be confirmed with tomorrow's temperature. I hope I wake up to a high temp!! Then I will officially be in my first 2WW!!!

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Another not-so-fun day at my grandmother's house! I love my grandparents dearly, as well as my immediate family (sisters, dad) but the rest of my family... different story! Every family gathering is the same - my family are the outsiders. Why, you may ask? WE DON'T KNOW!! We puzzle over this every single time we have to get together with those people. We just know that is the way it is. They all talk to each other, fuss over the children, etc. My children are blatantly ignored by some, others make small attempts. We can break up a conversation simply by joining - no, wait - simply by sitting there. We all used to be close, but my sisters and I just cannot remember when things changed, or why. There really is not anyone for us to ask, and we don't want to hurt my grandmother's feelings by asking her if she realizes this or knows what is going on. My dad.. well.. I had mentioned something to him about 2 years ago, along the same lines. What does he do? He went and TOLD my aunt that we felt as though she treats us differently. Could he have made things more awkward? Of course, she made minor attempts after that to talk, but nothing major and has since stopped.

My sisters and I will talk to their children, try to play with them, and try to make conversation with some of them. We are easy-going, and we make attempts. We fall short every time, though. I absolutely hate going there, and I know that once my grandparents are not around I will probably NEVER see any of them. It is sad, and I hate that my children are treated differently there. Today, for instance, my sister was attempting to talk to my cousin's 2 yr old and what does my cousin do? She comes and just picks up her daughter and carries her away, without a word to my sister. At another point, she was attempting to talk to my other cousin's son, and he was telling her a nice story about their vacation. What happens? My cousin comes over and just interrupts his son and tells him to go in the house and get his brother. No regard to my sister at all.

I really don't care too much that it is this way, but my sisters and I would love to know the WHY behind this all. None of them are exactly anybody that we would hang out with otherwise, but we would at least like to be able to go to family functions and not feel awkward. We think my grandma senses it, at least, because she hangs around us most of the time when we are there and when only one of us is there (and hence, it is a million times more awkward) she kind of makes us her sidekick. It would just be too awkward of a conversation to have!

I am having a Discovery Toys party next Sunday, and invited the females on that side. Only one RSVP'd (I asked for them to by tomorrow) and the rest have said nothing about it. It will be interesting to see if they show up for it or just feel as though I am not important enough to get an RSVP.

We really try, but you can only try to make conversation with people and be met with a brick wall so many times before you don't want to put yourself through that embarrassment again. I hate holidays!

I know that had nothing to do with TTC, but I really just needed to get this off my chest! :)

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Well, I really think that the lines are getting darker! Woo hoo!!! I was saving my OPKs and I tossed them on Friday because I didn't want our new babysitter to get grossed out. Now I wish that I had kept them. The one on Saturday and the one yesterday I think were noticeably different, although still quite a bit lighter than the control. I even had Jeremy look at them and he said that he thought the one from yesterday was darker. I also think my CBEFM stick this morning was different - the estrogen line was lighter and the LH line was a little darker. I hope, hope, HOPE that it is coming soon!

We bd'd every other day for a while, and then dh pretty much refused. I got him to the one night, and then I couldn't get him to for the life of me after that. He said absolutely not - it wasn't any fun anymore and he was tired. I was SOOOO mad! I guess it isn't that big a deal, though - I am using the CBEFM in the mornings and 1-2 OPKs during the day, so I am really not afraid of missing my surge! Once I see the line darken some more, then I will make him bd. :)

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Gosh, you would think I would be used to this waiting. For 9 months now, I have been waiting to O, waiting to POAS, waiting for AF, etc. But this cycle is KILLING me!! Perhaps this is the first cycle I have really had my hopes set high, but each day they are slowly coming down. Every day that goes by that my monitor doesn't peak, my OPK doesn't get any darker, my temp doesn't increase. Today I had a jump, but I don't believe it has anything to do with O'ing. I woke up feeling a little warm today which could be the temp increase. Not to mention that I have had negative OPKs every day, and some days I have used one in the afternoon and one in the evening. I will say that yesterday it could have been positive and I wouldn't have known because my urine was so clear it looked like water, but my CBEFM did not change at all between yesterday and today. I am on CD16, and I am just getting tired of the every other day bd'ing! LOL I had to practically rape my dh the other night. I told him, "If you can just make a deposit I will be happy. Just a 'wam, bam, thank you mam' is all I care about!" LOL With working and two little children, I can't keep this up much longer!!

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Yes, I am celebrating being on CD10. I never thought I would see a double digit cycle day - this cycle has been taking FOREVER!! The good news is that I got a high reading on my CBEFM. I don't even know why I am getting excited about it, since both of my last cycles I had a high reading and NO peak day - they both had high readings for quite a while and then went right back to low. I guess I am feeling so much more hopeful now that I have taken the Clomid. Generally, the CBEFM manual says that it won't give any more than 5 high readings before a peak reading - I guess this cycle will put it to the test again. If that is true, that would actually be perfect, since I should be O'ing this upcoming week. I told dh that tonight marks the beginning of our "babymaking" for this cycle. He isn't as excited since the last 8 months have been really wearing on him. I hope this is it!!!

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So, my life revolved around TTC - temping, CBEFM, Clomid, OPKs, etc. I had dreams last night about temping, and forgetting to use the CBEFM. Wow.

I woke up at 4:40am this morning and REALLY had to pee. I got up to use the restroom, then remembered that I couldn't use my CBEFM yet. Soo... I get back into bed. That lasted about a whole 2 seconds, and I realized that I really didn't want to wet the bed because I was waiting to POAS. LOL So I got back up again, and then panicked. My CBEFM hasn't asked me to POAS yet (it is CD7)... today would probably be the day! Trying to work quickly, I grabbed a cup and peed in the cup, thinking I had read somewhere that I could do that and test up to a couple hours later. I set it discreetly by the toilet and hoped that would be okay. As I lay there thinking about how I should have probably temped when I got up to pee (and cursing myself of course) my dh gets up to use the restroom. Okay - new problem. I was silently pleading that he wouldn't notice the cup of pee sitting next to the toilet, and, worse yet - that he wouldn't knock it over as he was standing there peeing and then I wouldn't be able to test!! He certainly doesn't need to know quite the extremes that I go to in order to track everything! Ha. Luckily, even though I was expecting him to yell - "What the heck is this cup of pee doing by the toilet" - he didn't. He quietly came back to bed and went back to sleep. Phew!

At 5:30, my alarm went off. I don't think I fell asleep amidst all my TTC thoughts. I took my temp, and it was actually pretty close to my last two temps so I went ahead and put it in FF, although I made sure to mark it "sleep deprived" so that I could remember it would be off. I turned on my CBEFM and held my breath - no request for a stick. I was a little worried that the thing is broken, so I grabbed the book and read that it will request for a stick any time between CD5 and CD9. So... 2 more days before I can really panick. :) So into the toilet went the pee from a cup. (*Reminder to self - check on saving pee)

Then, the worst thought entered my head as I was standing sleepily in the shower -

I FORGOT TO TAKE MY CLOMID LAST NIGHT!!!

I had to hold myself back from running downstairs, soap suds and all, and taking that little white pill. How on earth could I forget that?!?!?!?!?!? My entire life is revolving around this cycle, and I forgot to take that stupid little pill!! I am SO mad at myself!! I took it as soon as I was ready for work, and I guess I get to take my last one tonight, as scheduled. I pray that doesn't mess up my cycle and chances of O'ing. Ugh - sometimes I wonder about myself!!

Sooo... my day has started off wonderfully! LOL

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A POAS-aholic!! I was answering a post today on BZ, and it hit me like a brick wall - will 3 hpt's be enough when I do O? Probably not! I am going to be peeing on sticks left and right!! Maybe even two at a time. LOL I have never, EVER been in a 2WW and I have no idea how I am going to handle it, although based on my lack of patience, I can only imagine that it won't be pretty. With my other two girls I wasn't "trying" like I am now - timing O, etc. Once I do know that I have O'd, it will be my first official 2WW, even though we have been trying since January for this child!! How will I prevent myself from going crazy?

I have taken 2 Clomid pills so far. I just stared at the first one, wondering if it was actually going to change my life. Will I conceive because of these little pills? I am not kidding that I will be ecstatic when I get a peak on my CBEFM or see that I have O'd in my temps. I haven't had any side effects that I know of - maybe a very slight nausea last night when I was laying in bed, but nothing to get my panties in a bunch. :) Today I had a little shooting pain from the side of my left breast down my side, and I wonder if it had something to do with that. So far, that is all. I am really hoping that is it, but I know some have more side effects AFTER O. We'll see! If I get pg this cycle, based on my CD1 I would be due 5/27/10 based on a 28 day cycle (which we all know isn't entirely accurate for me!!). My dh's bday is 5/22... maybe that is a good sign??

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I had a CRAZY dream last night that I was pg with QUADRUPLETS! LOL Yes - 4 babies on the u/s. I remember saying in my dream that with Clomid, twins are the highest multiples that you would receive and there really is not even much of a chance of that. I was astounded, scared, anxious, and worried about leaving work early. LOL I think it stemmed from a conversation I had at work yesterday. One of the RNs that I am in charge of had twins last December. She went through 2 years of infertility and had IVF. When she had that done, she wanted the highest rate of success she could get because she had planned on being on her 2nd child by then. She had 6 embryos put in, and all 6 hung on initially. She actually thought she was going to have 6 children! She was excited, but I would have been scared to death. LOL In the end, she only had 2, as I stated, as the others unfortunately did not make it (she said rather early she started to lose them one at a time, which she said is pretty normal with having so many put in or something... I don't really know all the IVF stuff!). But I think that caused my dream.

That, and the fact that my dh WANTS twins. He said he would be so excited, and keeps clutching that hope of the 5% chance. I told him that it is not going to happen, but he keeps mentioning it whenever we talk about it. Crazy man - I would end up killing him if we did have twins because I would be the one to get up with them all the time, take care of them, etc. We've been at slight odds lately because his lack of housekeeping. I work full-time. He works 2 days a week and goes to school 2 days/week. When he is home with the girls all day, I still end up coming home and cleaning. I cannot imagine how it is going to be when we have more kids. If we had twins - god help him! I would be the NAG QUEEN to get him to help me clean things up! LOL There is an underlying reason why he is like that, and maybe someday I will put it in my blog. In my mind, though, it does not excuse it, only explains it. I think that you need to rise up over your shortcomings and the shortcomings of your past and be better. Hopefully he will see that someday!

Okay, see - a short blog about my dream turned into a rant about my dh. LOL

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...On the Road!! AF is starting today - woo hooooo! I never thought I would be glad to see her ugly face, but I am excited and nervous about my first round of Clomid. I wonder what side effects I will have, if any. I am also hoping that I see that first beautiful thermal shift in my chart - I will be so excited to actually be in the 2WW (although impatient at the same time - ha!). My dh is so excited about this, and he talks about having twins all the time. I keep trying to tell him that is NOT going to happen - the chances are so slim and I don't personally know anyone who has gotten pg with twins from Clomid - and I also tell him that after the 10th sleepless night when they are up at opposite times, he won't be so happy. LOL

I know that this may sound greedy to some, but I would be happy with either a boy or a girl - honestly. But I am hoping that I get pg with a boy just because my dad would be SO ecstatic. I am the oldest of 4 girls, I have 2 girls, and my sister has a daughter. My dad tried 4 times to get a boy, and he has all graddaughters, too. Of course, he loves them to pieces. But I have always wanted to give my dad a grandson, and my dh wants to pass his name on, although I think he cares less than I do what we have. I would be happy either way, and at this point I really just want to get pg. I would never feel disappointed and have a hard time coping if it was a girl - I have never understood people like that.

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So I know that I have only been temping for 2 days, but my temps have been high! I have been tracking temps now since March, so I have a good grasp of what my temps should be like. Yesterday and today my temps were 97.54 and 97.52 consecutively. Those are both very high for me. The only other time in my months of temping it was that high was when I took Progesterone last time, and at the end of the cycle that I had an allergic reaction. Obviously, both times were explained by the Progesterone and by my body trying to fight off the reaction. This time, though - no explanation. I would have blown off today as being from the Progesterone if I hadn't temped yesterday, since my first dose was last night. But that still doesn't explain yesterday morning. Hmm... I almost think that maybe I O'd, but it would be super, super early for that. Of course, I wasn't using my CBEFM or OPKs because I knew that I would be taking the Provera to end this cycle anyway. I just started temping again to keep in the routine. Weird. Figures my body would go wacky right now, when I actually have some hope amidst all this craziness!

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I had my HSG done last Friday. Really - not nearly as bad as some people said it was. I am sure it is different for everyone so I am grateful that I am one of those that it did not feel painful for. I was so stinking nervous going in there, and when I get nervous, I cry. I struggled not to, and thank goodness I didn't because it is always so embarrassing! Anyhow... the verdict was --

Right tube completely blocked - couldn't get any dye to come through. My left tube appeared open and had a good flow of dye, so my dr assured me that is all we need and that is a good thing. So not 100% what I wanted to hear, but better than the alternative.

Dr. H said she would have the nurse call me on Monday and let me know what the next steps were to be, and I should not take the Provera or Clomid yet. I waited around all day yesterday - carried my cell phone with me everywhere, kept checking to see if I had any calls - no dice. I am amazed at my patience, but the thought of all the thousands of times that I had called and bugged them held me back. LOL I figured that I couldn't fill my prescriptions until tomorrow because of my work schedule, so as much as it pained me, I decided to not call until sometime tomorrow before I left work.

Thank goodness, she called me today! She gave me the green light to start the Provera to get my next cycle going and then do the Clomid.

Funny story - she told me to temp and send in my charts at the end of the month so that Dr. H. can see whether or not I O'd and adjust my dosage if necessary. She then proceeded to tell me how to temp, and I told her that I have been temping for a couple cycles but doing it vaginally. She paused, for - I swear - like 5 seconds before answering and said, "Well, you can do it orally." Is it that disgusting to do it vaginally?!? I told her that I did it orally my first cycle and my readings were all over the place, and since I switched to vaginally they have been easier to read. She paused again, and just basically said to do it however I want to. I wonder why she seemed against doing it vaginally? It works just as well and is a bit easier to do.

I am excited and nervous all at one time. I wonder how the Clomid is going to affect me - side effects, etc. I also can't quit thinking about the whole 5% chance of twins things, LOL. My dh wants to have twins SO badly. I definitely do not, although I would certainly be happy with whatever I am blessed with.

And, although I would never admit this outloud, I am a little hesitant to stop my weight loss. Crazy, huh? I want to lose weight so badly, and I also want a baby so badly. I think as long as I only gain the minimum (with my last pg I only gained 11 lbs) then I will be okay. I can pick up where I left off and go from there. I guess if I dont get pg on my first round of Clomid (or 2nd, 3rd...) then the one good thing is that I will be continuing to lose weight.

And this may be good luck, but if I do get pg this cycle, I will be due around my dh's bday (his bday is 5/22).

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My dr is very proactive. I feel very sorry for those women I see on the message boards whose dr is just rude or not at all involved. My dr wants to get things done! Of course, my mind has been completely GONE lately, and I totally forgot to print out my charts from Fertility Friend! Once I realized that, I figured it wouldn't matter too much because most dr's (from what I have heard) don't even ask for them. Of course, my dr asked for them as soon as she walked in the room. I was SO embarrassed. I told her that I knew what I was doing, though, and could assure her there was no thermal rise, and all the OPKs and CBEFM readings confirmed no O. She seemed okay by that, although she really wanted to see the charts.

Friday morning, 10am, I go in for my HSG. I am scared to death, as most people have told me that it is a very unpleasant experience. My dr said that the worst part is the dye, and we simply won't know how it feels to me until it happens - I could be fine, or have horrible cramping. At least she was honest. The other good thing is that we will know on Friday what the next POA will be.

Plan A: Tubes are blocked. That would be the end of the line, done, finished. She said at that point she would refer me to an infertility dr and we would explore whether it was worth unblocking or just do the IVF. We will not be doing either one. We have two children, and I am not going to go as far as to have surgery, IVF, etc.

Plan B: Hopefully this is it!!! One or both tubes are good. She already gave me the prescription for Provera so that I can start taking that right away to start a new cycle, and she also gave me a prescription for Clomid, 50 mg. She explained how we would start at 50 mg and increase by 50 mg a cycle until I O, and then maintain that for 6 cycles. If I haven't gotten a BFP by then, then she will refer me to an infertility specialist.

I am SO nervous for Friday. I can't believe everything is coming down to this HSG. If both tubes are blocked, that will be akin to her saying "You are not having another child ever again." I have been making so many mistakes at work because my mind is preoccupied with all these thoughts. I have had people comment to me that it shouldn't be that big of a deal to me because I already have two children. Why should it bother me any less if I couldn't have another child just because I already have two? Of course I am totally thankful for my two dd's, and I love them dearly, but that won't make it any better.

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Dear Dr.,

Please convince me that I do not need back on Thyroid. I am not just a mindless person walking around here - I have two Masters Degrees and I am a fairly intelligent individual. When someone (yes, even you as a Dr) tells me something, I question it. Does it make sense that I suddenly got over hypothyroidism? Not really? How is it that I still have so many symptoms? Infertility - check. Not O'ing - check. Tired ALL the time - check. Brain fog - check. Carpal Tunnel Syndrome - check (first time last month). Thin hair - check. Difficulty losing weight - check. Easy weight gain - check. First pg - all the symptoms of undiagnosed hypothyroid.

I would really like to have a third child, but if it is not in the plan, then I just want to know. I don't want to go through endless tests, guesses, and being poked just to be told I have to do something such as IVF. As much as I want another child, I do not want to go to the extreme - I have to priceless, beautiful daughters that I am thankful for.

Please give me some other viable options for my infertility. Do not tell me you don't know, because that makes my despair increase. Please tell me what our plan is after the HSG if it comes back clear (because I know that you are banking on my tubes being the problem). And, on a seperate note - please be very gentle when you do the HSG. I know that I have had two children, one completely natural, but I am still scared to death of the HSG and do not like pain.

Please, Dr, just tell me what is wrong with me so that I can hold another little child in my arms soon, and see the joy of my daughters as they get to experience having another sibling. I want to see Aurianna get the chance to be a big sister, and care for a younger sibling as Kaitlyn so diligently cares for her - Aurianna has a great role model to look up to, and I want her to have the opportunity to be a good role model for someone else.

And lastly, thank you for trying everything to help me get those two beautiful lines!!

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Well, as long as the CBEFM was telling me I was "high" my mood followed. I kept an open mind, telling myself that although I haven't O'd since I don't know when, that this cycle was my cycle. I would be O'ing soon, etc. Day after day of the utter disappointment of seeing the "high" reading soon started to happen, but I would quickly shift my mind into positive thinking - "it's better than a low reading," or "my body is just working up to O," or even "maybe I am O'ing today and the monitor just didn't catch the peak."

Well, what do I tell myself after today when the monitor went back down to low, after taking me on a 2 week journey on high? Complete, utter disappointment is what I felt this morning. I don't even know how to describe it. I have been tracking my cycles now for 5 months, and I have not detected one O - not through OPKs, temps, or CBEFM! Only one conclusion can be drawn-

I. Just. Am. Not. O'ing.

I could deal with the frustration of not getting pg if I even had a fighting chance. But I don't. Obviously.

One of the posts from BZ got me thinking about my thyroid. Have I called the dr yet? Nope. I think about it after 5:00pm, when they are closed. I keep going back and forth in my mind - should I call my OB or my family dr to demand that they retest my thyroid? I have a feeling that if my family dr finds it is out of range, then I would probably be referred to my OB anyway for the infertility. I have kind of been avoiding calling the OB until AF starts, because I felt like every day I was calling the office for something - I don't want to bug them too much! I have also considered waiting until the HSG, and then asking for them to do the blood sample, as well. But then if it does come back bad and that is my problem, the HSG is a waste of time. UGH! Why can't this be easy? I just don't know what to do!

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I had a lot of time to reflect over the past weekend. Why do I want to get pg so badly right now? How is this going to affect me? What do I really think is going on with me and my body? Honestly, I think it is my thyroid that is causing all of these problems. Not ovulating is a sign of hypothyroidism, which... hmm... I was diagnosed with a couple years ago. According to my new family dr, though, it just magically disappeared and I no longer need medicated. My OB, who is the one that originally diagnosed me, is under the same impression. So then, why does everyone else I speak to say that it is impossible for that to happen?!?

It is so frustrating for dr's to not be able to figure out what is going on, when I think it is plain to see. I was previously diagnosed, tired all the time, low BBT, not O'ing, irregular cycles, thin hair, etc. This roller coaster ride actually started 3 years ago when I was TTC Aurianna, and apparently, even though I thought it stopped and I stepped off, I was wrong - I am still very much riding it, and we are going through even more loops and hills than we did before.

Last time, 3 years ago, my dh and I had stopped preventing and were just letting it happen when it happened. I had so many other things going on in my life that I wasn't too worried about it happening RIGHT NOW - like I am now. :) It got to the point, though, that I realized that we had been doing that for a year, and still no BFP. I went to my family dr, because I was also having other issues and thought I should get everything figured out. He drew bw, asked me if I had sex every day (really... he did) and said that if we were having sex everyday, he didn't know what was going on and said it wasn't anything medical. Hmm... That same day, I made an appointment with my OB. I had an appt scheduled for 3 weeks later, and guess what - I got my BFP!!

At the first appt, they drew blood. I will always remember the phone call, because I had my dd at the playground and it was about 6pm in the evening. My OB called and said that my bw was showing that I had a very underactive thyroid. She said she was surprised I had even managed to get pg with the numbers being what they were, and she called in a prescription because it could cause a m/c. I was scared to death, but SO ANGRY at my family doc - he had drawn bw specifically to test for that and he said everything was fine! I got on meds, and was on them for the duration of the pg, all the way until this past Dec.

I decided to go to a new dr, since he had completely pissed me off. I ran out of meds, and was off of the meds for about a month. When I visited her, she drew bw and said everything came back fine and that I could stop taking it. I saw my OB in March, and she was shocked that I was off the meds. She drew bw, and agreed - everything looked okay.

So what is going on?!?! I am going to call my dr again and have her test me again - something has to be up!

As far as weight loss, I kind of got off track for the last week, but I am jumping back on, full force. I hope I have the winning combo now - I am continuing WW (which has helped me lose 21 lbs so far) but I also bought Alli - the only FDA-approved weight loss pill. I am starting that Thursday evening, since I have Fri, Sat, and Sun off work and I don't know how it is going to affect me. I hope this will help me lose weight even faster. I was trying on bridesmaid dresses over the weekend, and realized how much weight I need to lose! I do have to say that I looked pretty good in one of the dresses, though. :) I just hate my arms!!

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Yes, that is what my dh calls me now. Too bad it isn't true. LOL When he is in the mood, he always asks me if I happen to be ovulating (even though I don't think he really has a CLUE what that means...LOL). He also calls me his "Little Ovulator." Interesting.

When we were TTC Aurianna, we had the "when it happens, it happens" attitude. Not so this time. I know that he wants it more than he lets on. He will sometimes say that maybe we should wait, but when I bring that up a couple days later he always denies feeling that way and says that it would take 9 months for us to have the baby anyway. Ha ha.

My temps this cycle have been SO steady. My last couple of cycles I have had periods where my temps just went crazy. This cycle, they have been all really close. I don't feel good about this cycle, at all, since I am almost on day 20 of using the CBEFM. You know what that means? The CBEFM will either ask you 10 times or 20 times during a cycle to POAS. It won't ask any more than that, according to the information I have seen. Soo... I only have 3 more days to detect a peak, and then it just goes back to low and waits out the cycle. I have actually been thinking about selling my CBEFM on ebay, since it really isn't doing me any good. I am not O'ing, and the monitor doesn't go long enough for my cycles. I don't know - I kinda want to hold on to it, too, for when I get my cycles under control.

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Recently I received an Honest Scrap Award from one of my blogging friends: Kristin at http://where-is-our-baby.blogspot.com/ Thanks Kristin!!

The Honest Scrap stipulations:
1. Choose a minimum of 7 blogs that you find interesting and engaging
2. Show the 7 winners names and links on your blog and leave a comment informing them that they have won the "Honest Scrap Award"
3. List at least 10 honest things about yourself.

10 Honest things about myself...
1. We have 2 beautiful daughters - Kaitlyn and Aurianna. Kaitlyn was a complete oops, and I was young - I had a brief moment that I considered terminating the pg. I am now against abortions and I completely tear up when I think about how my life would have turned out without her. I feel guilty for that moment of weakness when I had considered not keeping her.
2. My dh and I met when I was in my sophomore year of college and it was love at first sight. :) Our relationship has been completely rocky and lately hasn't been so wonderful, though.
3. My best friends are my sisters. I was not close with any of them growing up (I am the oldest of 4) but now they are the ones that I hang out with the most.
4. I have always struggled with my weight. I am an emotional eater, but I also have hypothyroidism. I have lost 21 pounds so far, and want to keep going!!
5. I wish my family was closer. As I said, I am closer with my sisters, but my parents are divorced. I do not speak much to my mother and my dad married my stepwitch who I do not get along with at all. She has never spoken to my children.
6. I love to read - whenever I have spare time, I always pick up my current book. My grandmother has a library in her house and so I borrow 3 or 4 books at a time, read them, and then bring them back to exchange them. My aunts and sisters do that, too. :)
7. I do not want to be a SAHM. Crazy, I know. I actually did it for a little over a year, and decided that I wanted to return to work. I love my daughters more than anything on this earth, but I just really longed for the interactions I had while at work with adults. :)
8. I am now happily working for a plasma collection center as a Manager. It is well-paying, flexible, with great benefits.
9. I took a $15,000/yr pay cut to go to my current position because I do put my family first. My dh wants $$$, which is one of our points of contention. I would rather spend time with my family (and we aren't in the poorhouse) but he just wants us to make tons of money. I was working about 80 hrs a week at my last job, which was the same industry but one position higher in a different company. I was NOT happy!
10. I love being pg!! That is my favorite part of everything. I love feeling the baby move, seeing my belly grow, seeing the heartbeat and hearing it for the first time. Everything is wonderful. I also felt very empowered last time when I did childbirth without any drugs - I never imagined I could do it and I did. What an accomplishment!!

I am supposed to choose 7 blogs, but I see all the blogs I read have already been chosen. I guess it stops here with me on this end. LOL If I find a blog that hasn't been chosen, then I will add it. :)

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I had mentioned in a previous blog that my sister might be pg, and then it turned out she isn't. I had also eluded to a problem she has been having. I won't air all her dirty laundry, and I won't mention her by name. :) I am just worried, and so I wanted to get it all off my chest.

A couple months ago, she was having a lot of pg symptoms. Her boobs swelled up (to the point her blood vessels were popping out, she says), her boobs were very tender, she gained a little weight, she was nauseous, and AF was acting funny. She went to her dr for her yearly exam, and when the dr was doing her breast exam, she noticed. She asked her if she was having any other symptoms, and the dr skipped the pap and said that she was 99.9% sure that she was pg, and took a blood sample to send away. Well, this was at the end of the week, so she had to wait until the following week to get results. However, her and her SO thought she was pg and started to make some plans.

The dr called her the following week and said that the tests came back neg. She was not pg. The dr was concerned, and sent her for some bw. It came back that she was anemic, and the dr started her on medications. I told her that I was confused and didn't think that explained all of her other symptoms, but she let it go, and so I did, too.

A couple weeks later at work, she had such a horrible pain her stomach that she passed out, and then she couldn't walk when she woke up because of a pinched nerve in her leg. She ended up in the ER for an entire day while they ran tests and tried to figure out what was wrong. One of the tests showed a cyst on one of her ovaries. The ER dr was not really "up" on the whole ovary thing and told her to make an appt with her gyno to have that looked at.

She then went to the gyno (which happens to be the same one I go to) and she wanted her to go for another u/s to see if it had grown or changed shape since her ER visit. She said that based on that info, she would be able to determine whether or not to have it surgically removed or just do antibiotics for a while. When she went to leave and make the appt with the hospital, the discharging nurse was completely rude to her. She wasn't able to make the appt and was supposed to call back.

That was months ago, and she never did. The nurse was rude to her because she did not have health insurance at the time and said the hospital did not like that. My sister was very offended and waited until now, when she has insurance.

All of last week, every morning she was nauseous and throwing up. She was supposed to have AF and it didn't show, and so I told her it again sounded like she was pg. I went out and bought her pg tests, and they were all neg. I urged her to make an appt with her dr, because it is probably tied in with her earlier problems. She has had insurance now for a while, but has just been putting it off. She says that she "knows" nothing is wrong, but I think that deep down she might just be scared and that is why she keeps putting it off. I didn't let her leave my house last week one evening until she found a dr to call, and she now has an appt this Thursday (although I am not sure if it is for an u/s or just a dr visit). I am quite anxious to see what is going on with her.

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Gave me another high reading. That is 7 days so far this cycle. Well, at least it beat last cycle. I guess. I don't really know what to think anymore. I keep looking at my graph last cycle and see those high temps at the end... I stopped temping at one point, because I had the spotting and assumed AF was arriving since I never have spotting. Now I wonder if maybe that was O spotting? If there is even such a thing. I keep beating myself up over that...

I was reading some blogs today on the HSG, and I am scared out of my mind. I keep wavering... maybe we should just stop with the two beautiful girls we have now. In the back of my mind, I keep thinking that maybe we aren't supposed to have another. But if that is true, why do I want it so badly? I have pretty much decided that I will do fertility drugs, such as Metformin or Clomid, but I won't do anything more invasive than that, such as IVF. If this was my first - definitely. But my third? I don't think we need to go that far, although I will be devastated.

I have been having ALL the signs of O'ing except that stupid positive OPK!! I have EWCM, what I think are O pains, etc. I just don't know what to think about that anymore. I am just going to wait it out and see what my temps show me. I have been getting very steady temps, so they should be a good indicator. Last cycle my temping went haywire, and I am still not sure why!! Some nights I had sporadic sleep because of the girls, but other nights were perfectly normal. Hm.

I really hope that AF comes earlier rather than later. I am working myself up over this HSG so much that I really just want it to be over. I went through natural childbirth... could it be worse than that?? Childbirth is such a different kind of pain, though - it is SO worth it, and that makes it more tolerable. This is worth it, too, but there is no immediate gratification (or even the guarantee of gratification). Hopefully, nothing is wrong.

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Well, the nurse called back and said that they want to do the HSG for sure before moving on to anything else. She said that if my tubes are blocked then nothing else will matter, which makes sense. I guess I was just hoping there was another route for us to go. Soo... I guess I have to. I am going to hope and pray that it gets covered. I have 2 beautiful little girls, and I am just not sure if I want to put a ton of money into getting pg again, even though I really want it. If I didn't have my daughters, it would be a different story. So I guess we will do the HSG and see what happens from there.

I am on day 6 of the high readings on the CBEFM. Last cycle, I had 6 days of high readings and then it went back to low. So tomorrow I am really going to be holding my breath when I POAS. If it goes back to low, I will be crushed. I also am not sure I am doing the OPKs very well. I have been doing them in the afternoon, and trying to limit fluid intake/bathroom trips, but I still think my urine might be too diluted. 2 cycles ago when I used them (I didn't use them last cycle) I at least had a line on the OPK. It was always pretty faint, except at one point when it was *almost* positive, but it was always there. This cycle - nothing. I couldn't even put it under a light a certain way and trick myself into thinking there is a line there. LOL I don't know if that is a change in LH or in my urine. I am drinking WAY more water than before and much less pop/caffeinated drinks, so I am going to assume it is my urine.

Cross your fingers for tomorrow!!!

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Yes, I have resorted to talking to my CBEFM. LOL Yesterday morning I got yet ANOTHER high reading, and I turned it off, said, "Are you sure you don't want to rethink that?" and turned it back on. Of course, maybe out of spite (LOL) it just gave me another high reading. Ugh - why has it come to be talking to inanimate objects? :)

Well, my insurance company is giving me the run-around with my question as to whether the HSG will be covered. I have called THREE times, and still not gotten an answer! I got the diagnosis and procedure codes from my dr, and called them back and they said all it states is it can be covered "if medically necessary." She said that they have to wait for the claim to make that decision, but I am NOT okay with that because then I have to have the procedure done and hope that it is covered. Not going to fly with me. So I called my dr's office again and left Cindy the Nurse (love her!) the information and asked her if this is really necessary. They have never really said (and I never really asked) if there is another route we can go, or if Dr. H will require this before proceeding on to anything else. I hope to get an answer today.

I know that I haven't O'd since before January when I started tracking, and I really want to figure out what is going on. But I also do not want to be getting into heavy medical bills, either!!

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Well, my friend e-mailed me this morning and said she has no line now. It sounds like she had a chemical pregnancy, and I feel badly for her. I have never had one, but I can imagine how it feels to see that line and get excited, only to find out a couple days later that it didn't stick. Ugh - that must be awful. It was only her 2nd month TTC, so at least she is still new at this and isn't discouraged yet!

My sister is also not pg. I bought her two tests, and she took one that evening and then one the next morning. I told her she BETTER call her dr tonight. She has had several issues, which is another blog (that isn't written yet... LOL) and now she is throwing up every morning. She needs to go get an u/s done that her dr requested before to check on a growth, and she hasn't yet. She claims she is going to call today. I am really hoping that nothing is severely wrong with her!

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Much different attitude than yesterday on the whole TTC thing. LOL I woke up this morning and I swear my eyes basically popped out of my head when I saw that I had a high reading on the CBEFM! I am counting AF as the beginning of my cycle (even though my cycle was funky, but that is what I am doing). So that means that I am on CD9. That is 10 days earlier than the high reading last cycle (on CD19). I never got a peak last cycle, but maybe I will get one this cycle!! Oh, I would be SO excited. Last cycle I got 6 high readings and then it went back to low. I am hoping that I see that 2nd line appearing on the stick soon. I am going to take my sister to get some pg tests tonight (yeah, another person that might be pg) and I am going to get some OPKs to use simultaneously. Can never be too cautious, right? LOL

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Now my sister might be pg!! What timing - her fiance just moved to Wyoming, and she will move there whenever she finds a job there. They were not TTC at all, and she is kinda stressed because she really does not want to move out there but he made the decision for them (basically - that is a long story short!). She is working full-time and going to school right now and really doesn't have any money. She told me today that she took a hpt and it was neg, but she took it in the evening. She had some spotting a couple days ago when she should have had AF and that was it. I would DIE if she is pg! Why is it happening to everyone around me?

I realized today that I am just going through the motions. I temped and POAS for my CBEFM today, and I wasn't even excited to see it like I was last cycle. I think the fact that I didn't O, my AF issues at the end, etc., has really brought my motivation down a bit. If I could just have a semi-normal cycle, I would be SO happy. It is frustrating not knowing how long my cycle is going to be, if I am going to O, etc. I am not at all surprised to see the "low" reading on the CBEFM, and I never really expect it to go to "high" or "peak." Last cycle when I got the high readings, it really bummed me out that it never went to peak. I never even saw the line get any darker, and it is barely there (or not at all) to begin with.

I have lost 20 pounds so far. Woo hoo! That is probably the only great thing right now. It is like taking a crumb off of a cookie though - LOL. I don't really feel any different, although I do notice my clothes fitting a bit differently. Since I already weighed 254, 20 pounds doesn't seem to make a dent. I weighed in today at 234, though, so I was excited. I need to start using my Bowflex, but my house is so hot! Our A/C is broken, and unfortunately, we have to get a whole new unit - that will cost at least $2000 from the estimates that we have received. I am thinking we are just going to go through this summer, and next summer hopefully have the $$ for it. Our house really doesn't get that hot, and we have a big floor unit air conditioner in our bedroom that we invested $500 in at the beginning of summer. It works great for night time. Maybe we should move the Bowflex up there. LOL If it wasn't such a pain in the a$$, we might consider it!

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Well, I found out today that a friend of mine is pg - this is only her 2nd month trying!! She had e-mailed me with a ton of questions, and I assured her that nothing is wrong with her, gave her advice, etc. Then she e-mails me the next day and tells me she is pg! Wow. I am happy for her, but also SOOOOOOO jealous! It is just way too easy for some people and too hard for others! I can't believe that I have been TTC since January. I haven't even had a 2WW yet because I don't think I have O'd since then. Ugh.

I am keeping my fingers crossed that I actually O this cycle!! I will be SO ecstatic if I do, even if I don't get my BFP. At least I will know that my body does work sometimes. LOL

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Okay, now I can get moving on this cycle! :) I am going to start temping tomorrow, and the CBEFM will prob ask me to start POAS. I know nothing will happen yet, but it is nice to finally be able to get back into the swing of things and start charting things again. Hopefully this cycle is nice and normal. And I do mean a "normal" cycle that a "normal" woman would expect to have - not one of my normal cycles! LOL I have been taking the Fertility Blend for 2 months now, and I am crossing my fingers that is what contributed to my earlier-than-normal AF last cycle.

One of my friends told me today that her dh and her are TTC. She said this is only their 2nd month, and I prompted her to go to BZ and check everything out. Of course, she asked me questions and I gave her answers, so who needs BZ? LOL Great recruiting skills I have. :) Actually, I told her that even someone who has all that knowledge still needs the companionship, so I told her she should check it out. Hopefully she will. Her dh and her have been married for a while and she teaches kindergarten (we were co-teachers one year). I am surprised that they do not already have a baby, and I was actually beginning to wonder if they were having TTC problems. Not that it is any of my business - it was just a fleeting thought. I know she will be a great mom, so I am hoping the best for her!

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Why Why Why isn't anything ever easy? My dr had wanted to put me on birth control, thinking it would regulate my cycles. Well... who would have ever thought that I would have an allergic reaction?!?! I haven't been on those dreaded pills for years, but I never thought I would have a reaction! Maybe my body could sense how much I did NOT want to be on them! :)

Well, I had started a light AF on Thursday and took the BCP Thursday night. AF stopped completely, and then I started to notice the weird symptoms on Friday. I took another Friday night, and on Saturday I called my dr. She told me to stop taking them and we would talk early in the week. I was SO dreading her telling me that she was going to put me on new BCP - luckily, she decided not to! She tried to schedule my HSG, but said that there were no appointments left for Friday (that is the day she does her surgeries, etc).

Soo... the crappy news is that she said basically to just hang out this cycle and then when AF starts next, I will do my HSG then. AF did start again this week and I have had complete AF - it was quite heavy yesterday and today - but I figured she didn't want me to call again so soon. :) I am going to hold off because I am curious anyway as to whether I will O this cycle or not, and also whether I might have a decent length cycle again. I was SOOOOOO excited when I started spotting on CD39 - way earlier than before!!

But the bad thing is that I basically took 9 giant steps back. I thought I was on CD9, only to have AF start and now the beginning of my cycle was a bust. Ugh.

And HI to my followers - I finally have some! :)

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Over the weekend, I had a reaction to my birth control. Crazy, huh? Who would think that I could have a reaction to that? Maybe it was just my body knowing that I didn't want to be on it! LOL

Anyhow, I only took 2 pills and then my dr told me to stop taking it and just take the Benadryl until my symptoms cleared up, and then to contact her today. I talked to the nurse, and she said that the dr decided to not prescribe me a different pill and for me to just hang out this cycle. They couldn't get me in for the HSG on Friday because the X-ray department was all booked. Sooo.. I am waiting another month (or however long my cycle is) and then calling them after AF starts to try to book another HSG.

I really, really hope that this is my lucky month and I don't have to worry about it!

My temp was higher than normal today. I don't know if it could still be because I am still showing symptoms of the allergic reaction. It was 97.70 today, and it is never that high. I am interested to see what my next couple of days of temps is like!

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Well, we are moving forward (or backward, depending on how you look at it). I am on birth control - started it yesterday, when my period actually did start on it's own. I called the dr, and they have an HSG scheduled for next week. Woo hoo.... not. I am pretty nervous about it.

If you don't know what it is, they dilate your cervix and inject dye into your tubes to see if there is any blockage. I've heard both - it is painful, and it is not. I hope that I am in the "not" category!!

I am taking the birth control for 3 months to see if it will regulate my cycles. I am still taking Fertility Blend, but I might stop it. I took them both yesterday and both today, but my right foot looks like it has hives on it. Kinda weird, but I am wondering if it might be a reaction of sorts to taking all of that?? I might stop the Fertility Blend until it goes away, and then try taking it again and see if it does it again.

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Well, I picked up my birth control pills this past Friday. I haven't started them yet. I had thought about starting them today, as the pack talks about a Sunday start, but I forgot. *sigh* This is why birth control never worked for us before - I always forget to take them. I guess I need to set my phone as an alarm or something. I am only half-heartedly agreeing to take them, anyway. I really want to have another baby now, although days like today really make me think twice about it. Aurianna was such a pain in the neck, and I don't know how I would deal with her and a baby! LOL I think maybe it is better that we wait a while, but it is so hard to do!

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Well, it is time for us to make a decision. I have been thinking lately that maybe we need to hold off on having a baby. We have so much going on right now - I am hoping to get a promotion within the next year, Kaitlyn is starting Preschool in the fall, Jeremy just started school, and we both need to lose weight. I was overweight for both pregnancies, and I really want to experience one without the extra baggage! :)

I have been thinking that maybe my messed up cycles are just a sign that we should wait a year to have another baby. By that time, Aurianna will be entering Preschool, and hopefully I will have my promotion and Jeremy will be back at his job at Duferco. I also want to lose a LOT of weight (around 100 lbs) and that will give me the time to do so. My grandmother had indicated she thought my messed up cycles were due to my weight, but I have always been irregular, even when I was at a normal weight. Something else is just not right with my body, but I am sure that being overweight is magnifying the problems.

Sooo... decision time. I really, really want to get pg now (and I was kinda hoping that I am already pg... LOL) but it might make more sense to wait. I think that even if we decide that, I am going to continue tracking my cycles with temping (I am kind of addicted to that) and maybe even supplementing with the OPKs. I won't use the CBEFM because it is expensive to use those test sticks all the time, although it is quite tempting.

FF gave me crosshairs for CD23, but I am not seeing it. I do not believe that I have O'd this cycle because of my temps. The most recent temps that I have are the same as the beginning of the cycle, and they should be higher if I O'd. I am going to wait until CD43 and then ask the dr to give me something to start my next AF. If we decide to wait, though, I am going to make an appt to go in and get birth control.

AAAHHHHH - why does this have to be so hard??

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Well, I think that we are at a crossroads here. We need to decide what to do. I apparently didn't O this cycle (again), and I need to see the dr. I was thinking long and hard about this yesterday, and I came to a decision that I do not know if I am completely settled on or if Jeremy accepts. We'll have to see how it goes.

I think what I would like to do is wait about a year to continue to TTC. I have so much weight to lose, and that might help with my cycles. Also, Aurianna would be entering Preschool, and I would hope that she would be easier to deal with by then. Also, I should be promoted and Jeremy might be back at Duferco if the economy picks up. We would be in a much better situation.

That decision is so hard to make! The logical one is the one that I just said, but my heart is telling me that I want another baby now. The only major problem I see with waiting is that Aurianna and the baby will be about 4 years apart, and I really would like them to be much closer. I usually make decisions with my heart, not based on logic. :)

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Today I got a high reading on my CBEFM!! Woo hoo! I was SO excited to see that, and I was a little puzzled as to how I received it when I still don't have a second line. But I read the book and it all makes sense to me now! I hope that second line starts to appear, or maybe I won't O. I am really not sure since I have never used the CBEFM before, but I would think that is how it would work. We'll see!!

I told Jeremy today that we could "dance for a purpose now" and he had no clue what I was trying to say. LOL I had to just come out and explain it, and then I explained how the monitor works, etc. I did warn him that it says that I might get a high reading for more than 5 days this first cycle before I get the peak reading. That would kinda suck, but at least I am warned!

I also realized that I need to order the Fertility Blend pills that I have been taking. I think I only have a couple of days left!! I don't want to run out. If I am indeed O'ing so soon, after my last couple of LONG cycles I think that those might have something to do with it! If so, I don't want to risk getting off of them!

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I do not think I am even close to O'ing yet. *sigh* That really, really sucks. I got another low reading on CBEFM today (CD17) and not even a faint line again. It doesn't even look like it is progressing towards anything! I checked CM the last couple days, and dry like the desert! This is so ridiculous.

I have also been so, so tired lately. I went to bed before 10pm last night and got up at 5:45 for work this morning. I feel so tired I could go back to bed for another 8 hours. I did have to get up twice last night for the girls, but I still don't think I should feel this tired. I am concerned about my thyroid again, but last check in March showed that it was okay. That puzzles me... how can a thyroid be okay, then not, then okay again? During my pg with Aurianna it was discovered I had an underactive thyroid and she said my levels were so off it looked as though it had been that way for a while. I was medicated, all the way until this past December. My reg dr took me off the meds and said my levels were fine. Coincidentally, the cycle that she did that was my 90+ day cycle. My OBGYN thought it was odd and tested me in March, but she said everything came back fine. Hmm... could it be off again? That would certainly explain my cycles and being tired.

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Gosh, I really felt positive this morning and it must have helped my day because I got a LOT accomplished today! I finished all the laundry (if you saw the mountain of clothes you would realize that in itself is a master feat!), painted one of the bathrooms, cleaned the house, went out to dinner, ran to my grandparents, and miscellaneous other things.

This cycle I am trying something different. I started taking Fertility Blend, which is a supplement that is supposed to help regulate my cycles and help me O. No, my dr did not give it to me - it is a combination of vitamins that is supposed to help women. I thought I would try and see if it helped. I am also temping and using my Clear Blue Easy Fertility Monitor, which I bought just to start this cycle. That will be the perfect indication as to whether I am O'ing or not, combined with my temps.

That brings me to why my day started off positive. I did my CBEFM as usual, and initially there was no second line. Bummer. I put it in the monitor, and of course it gave me a low reading. Double bummer. Well, I went back to bed and after getting up, I looked at the stick again and there was a faint second line. None of my other sticks had that, so I took that as some progression in the right direction. I was on a high all day, excited to POAS tomorrow (LOL) and see if the line was darker. Stupid me... I ended up pulling the last 2 sticks out of the trash, and guess what - they all had lines, too. *SIGH* Evap line. I should have known!

Am I ever going to O? That is the big question!!!

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I thought I would give some background as to how we got in the position of TTC #3. Our journey with the first two was quite different.

Kaitlyn:
My dh and I were engaged and to be married in 3 weeks. I clearly remember the moment when I had an "uh-oh!" thought and knew I needed to test. We were laying in bed and he had his arm laying across my stomach, and it felt funny. Didn't hurt, and the best way I can describe it is that something just didn't feel normal. I dunno... best description I can do. It must have been more intuition than anything, because there really wasn't much that was off. I didn't say anything to him, but I thought I better get some pg tests. I went out that day and bought some, and how on earth I held out until the next morning, I have NO idea. But I did, and I POAS the next morning. I got a BFP. I could not believe it! I was on my way to a job interview, and Jeremy was sleeping. I didn't wake him up, and I wanted to get a *couple* (LOL) more tests before telling him. Soo... I went to the job interview, and on the way to the store I called one of my BFF, Leslie. I told her what was going on (yes, ashamed now that Jeremy wasn't the first to know!) and I went to her house, armed with a couple different types of hpts. I POAS for all of them, and when the digital one beeped, I gave it to Leslie and told her to look at it. She looked at me, and said "congratulations!". I was amazed and knew I had to tell Jeremy. I called him and told him that we needed to go to Planned Parenthood because I thought I was pg. He just kinda said, "OK" and that was it - he was definitely in shock. We went, and of course they confirmed I was pg. We were not TTC but we also weren't preventing. I (wrongly) thought I would not get pg because AF was so completely off. I never had regular periods ever since I was very young, and at that point AF was every couple of months - very irregular. I was so wrong on that!!! Although quite shocked, we got married 3 weeks later as originally planned and we quickly became excited and looking forward to it. She has been more than what we dreamed of - a true blessing!

Aurianna:
When Kaitlyn was about to turn 1, we knew that we wanted to have another child. We were not in any rush at all, and so we stopped preventing and figured it would happen when it happened. We didn't time intercourse, track AF, nothing like that. We did this for approximately a year, and in December 2006, 4 months before Kaitlyn's 2nd birthday, I found out I was pg. With her, I do not remember the moment when I thought I should test. Maybe I was nauseous, maybe I just had a feeling again, I dunno. I hadn't had AF since September, but when I found out in December I was only 5-6 wks along. So I managed to get pg even with very irregular cycles. I took the pg test one night (couldn't wait until morning that time!) and got a BFP. I was SO completely excited that I told my sister Jen because she was living with us and home with me at the time. We decided to go buy some baby stuff to break the news to my dh. I really was trying to wait for Christmas (we found out December 17) but the next day, I couldn't bear to wait anymore. I had Kaitlyn take him some baby stuff that I had wrapped up and wrote a note "from her" saying what a good big sister she was going to be, etc. He opened the present first, and looked quite a bit confused. When he read the note, he just stared at it for a minute and then got really excited - he looked at me and said, "Really?!?" When I said yes, he was really excited and started talking about names, etc.

Now:
Now, we really want to get pg with our 3rd. The main motivation behind this is that I don't want them to be more than 3 years apart, and that means that I need to get pg by December. That might seem like plenty of time, but AF is still irregular so I don't get that many shots! We started TTC in January, and I started tracking everything in February. Here has been my stats so far:

Cycle O (pre-TTC): October 31-December 08
Cycle 1: December 09-March 16, don't know if I O'd
Cycle 2: March 17-May 16, ended with Progestrone, no O up until CD38 for sure (using OPKs, temps)
Cycle 3 (current): May 17-????

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Well, this is my first day of blogging! :) We'll see if this becomes more of a diary than anything, or if anyone is actually going to read and comment! I am starting this blog because my TTC journey is becoming more than what I thought it would! We are TTC #3, and we are really hoping for a boy. I would LOVE to say it doesn't matter, blah blah blah... but it does. We have two beautiful girls, and we would love to have a boy! I'll tell you what - if we had a boy, he would be one spoiled little man! My dad would freak out, I really do believe. I have 3 sisters... he kept trying for a boy, and they finally stopped at 4 girls! My sister has a child... yep, you guessed it - a girl! As I mentioned, I have 2 girls. So a boy in the family would be amazing, new, and he would definitely be spoiled!

It is really late tonight and I do not think I can keep my eyes open to type everything I want to, so I am going to sign off for tonight and leave the rest for tomorrow. I think I *might* get some quiet time tomorrow if Aurianna's nap times out good - my dad is taking Kaitlyn (my 4 yr. old) to Chuck E Cheese tomorrow around 11, my husband works until 1, and Aurianna usually goes down for a nap around noon. Should I cheat and put her down around 11:30? :) We'll see...

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