Trying for a boy!!

Yes, I am celebrating being on CD10. I never thought I would see a double digit cycle day - this cycle has been taking FOREVER!! The good news is that I got a high reading on my CBEFM. I don't even know why I am getting excited about it, since both of my last cycles I had a high reading and NO peak day - they both had high readings for quite a while and then went right back to low. I guess I am feeling so much more hopeful now that I have taken the Clomid. Generally, the CBEFM manual says that it won't give any more than 5 high readings before a peak reading - I guess this cycle will put it to the test again. If that is true, that would actually be perfect, since I should be O'ing this upcoming week. I told dh that tonight marks the beginning of our "babymaking" for this cycle. He isn't as excited since the last 8 months have been really wearing on him. I hope this is it!!!

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So, my life revolved around TTC - temping, CBEFM, Clomid, OPKs, etc. I had dreams last night about temping, and forgetting to use the CBEFM. Wow.

I woke up at 4:40am this morning and REALLY had to pee. I got up to use the restroom, then remembered that I couldn't use my CBEFM yet. Soo... I get back into bed. That lasted about a whole 2 seconds, and I realized that I really didn't want to wet the bed because I was waiting to POAS. LOL So I got back up again, and then panicked. My CBEFM hasn't asked me to POAS yet (it is CD7)... today would probably be the day! Trying to work quickly, I grabbed a cup and peed in the cup, thinking I had read somewhere that I could do that and test up to a couple hours later. I set it discreetly by the toilet and hoped that would be okay. As I lay there thinking about how I should have probably temped when I got up to pee (and cursing myself of course) my dh gets up to use the restroom. Okay - new problem. I was silently pleading that he wouldn't notice the cup of pee sitting next to the toilet, and, worse yet - that he wouldn't knock it over as he was standing there peeing and then I wouldn't be able to test!! He certainly doesn't need to know quite the extremes that I go to in order to track everything! Ha. Luckily, even though I was expecting him to yell - "What the heck is this cup of pee doing by the toilet" - he didn't. He quietly came back to bed and went back to sleep. Phew!

At 5:30, my alarm went off. I don't think I fell asleep amidst all my TTC thoughts. I took my temp, and it was actually pretty close to my last two temps so I went ahead and put it in FF, although I made sure to mark it "sleep deprived" so that I could remember it would be off. I turned on my CBEFM and held my breath - no request for a stick. I was a little worried that the thing is broken, so I grabbed the book and read that it will request for a stick any time between CD5 and CD9. So... 2 more days before I can really panick. :) So into the toilet went the pee from a cup. (*Reminder to self - check on saving pee)

Then, the worst thought entered my head as I was standing sleepily in the shower -

I FORGOT TO TAKE MY CLOMID LAST NIGHT!!!

I had to hold myself back from running downstairs, soap suds and all, and taking that little white pill. How on earth could I forget that?!?!?!?!?!? My entire life is revolving around this cycle, and I forgot to take that stupid little pill!! I am SO mad at myself!! I took it as soon as I was ready for work, and I guess I get to take my last one tonight, as scheduled. I pray that doesn't mess up my cycle and chances of O'ing. Ugh - sometimes I wonder about myself!!

Sooo... my day has started off wonderfully! LOL

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A POAS-aholic!! I was answering a post today on BZ, and it hit me like a brick wall - will 3 hpt's be enough when I do O? Probably not! I am going to be peeing on sticks left and right!! Maybe even two at a time. LOL I have never, EVER been in a 2WW and I have no idea how I am going to handle it, although based on my lack of patience, I can only imagine that it won't be pretty. With my other two girls I wasn't "trying" like I am now - timing O, etc. Once I do know that I have O'd, it will be my first official 2WW, even though we have been trying since January for this child!! How will I prevent myself from going crazy?

I have taken 2 Clomid pills so far. I just stared at the first one, wondering if it was actually going to change my life. Will I conceive because of these little pills? I am not kidding that I will be ecstatic when I get a peak on my CBEFM or see that I have O'd in my temps. I haven't had any side effects that I know of - maybe a very slight nausea last night when I was laying in bed, but nothing to get my panties in a bunch. :) Today I had a little shooting pain from the side of my left breast down my side, and I wonder if it had something to do with that. So far, that is all. I am really hoping that is it, but I know some have more side effects AFTER O. We'll see! If I get pg this cycle, based on my CD1 I would be due 5/27/10 based on a 28 day cycle (which we all know isn't entirely accurate for me!!). My dh's bday is 5/22... maybe that is a good sign??

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I had a CRAZY dream last night that I was pg with QUADRUPLETS! LOL Yes - 4 babies on the u/s. I remember saying in my dream that with Clomid, twins are the highest multiples that you would receive and there really is not even much of a chance of that. I was astounded, scared, anxious, and worried about leaving work early. LOL I think it stemmed from a conversation I had at work yesterday. One of the RNs that I am in charge of had twins last December. She went through 2 years of infertility and had IVF. When she had that done, she wanted the highest rate of success she could get because she had planned on being on her 2nd child by then. She had 6 embryos put in, and all 6 hung on initially. She actually thought she was going to have 6 children! She was excited, but I would have been scared to death. LOL In the end, she only had 2, as I stated, as the others unfortunately did not make it (she said rather early she started to lose them one at a time, which she said is pretty normal with having so many put in or something... I don't really know all the IVF stuff!). But I think that caused my dream.

That, and the fact that my dh WANTS twins. He said he would be so excited, and keeps clutching that hope of the 5% chance. I told him that it is not going to happen, but he keeps mentioning it whenever we talk about it. Crazy man - I would end up killing him if we did have twins because I would be the one to get up with them all the time, take care of them, etc. We've been at slight odds lately because his lack of housekeeping. I work full-time. He works 2 days a week and goes to school 2 days/week. When he is home with the girls all day, I still end up coming home and cleaning. I cannot imagine how it is going to be when we have more kids. If we had twins - god help him! I would be the NAG QUEEN to get him to help me clean things up! LOL There is an underlying reason why he is like that, and maybe someday I will put it in my blog. In my mind, though, it does not excuse it, only explains it. I think that you need to rise up over your shortcomings and the shortcomings of your past and be better. Hopefully he will see that someday!

Okay, see - a short blog about my dream turned into a rant about my dh. LOL

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...On the Road!! AF is starting today - woo hooooo! I never thought I would be glad to see her ugly face, but I am excited and nervous about my first round of Clomid. I wonder what side effects I will have, if any. I am also hoping that I see that first beautiful thermal shift in my chart - I will be so excited to actually be in the 2WW (although impatient at the same time - ha!). My dh is so excited about this, and he talks about having twins all the time. I keep trying to tell him that is NOT going to happen - the chances are so slim and I don't personally know anyone who has gotten pg with twins from Clomid - and I also tell him that after the 10th sleepless night when they are up at opposite times, he won't be so happy. LOL

I know that this may sound greedy to some, but I would be happy with either a boy or a girl - honestly. But I am hoping that I get pg with a boy just because my dad would be SO ecstatic. I am the oldest of 4 girls, I have 2 girls, and my sister has a daughter. My dad tried 4 times to get a boy, and he has all graddaughters, too. Of course, he loves them to pieces. But I have always wanted to give my dad a grandson, and my dh wants to pass his name on, although I think he cares less than I do what we have. I would be happy either way, and at this point I really just want to get pg. I would never feel disappointed and have a hard time coping if it was a girl - I have never understood people like that.

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So I know that I have only been temping for 2 days, but my temps have been high! I have been tracking temps now since March, so I have a good grasp of what my temps should be like. Yesterday and today my temps were 97.54 and 97.52 consecutively. Those are both very high for me. The only other time in my months of temping it was that high was when I took Progesterone last time, and at the end of the cycle that I had an allergic reaction. Obviously, both times were explained by the Progesterone and by my body trying to fight off the reaction. This time, though - no explanation. I would have blown off today as being from the Progesterone if I hadn't temped yesterday, since my first dose was last night. But that still doesn't explain yesterday morning. Hmm... I almost think that maybe I O'd, but it would be super, super early for that. Of course, I wasn't using my CBEFM or OPKs because I knew that I would be taking the Provera to end this cycle anyway. I just started temping again to keep in the routine. Weird. Figures my body would go wacky right now, when I actually have some hope amidst all this craziness!

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I had my HSG done last Friday. Really - not nearly as bad as some people said it was. I am sure it is different for everyone so I am grateful that I am one of those that it did not feel painful for. I was so stinking nervous going in there, and when I get nervous, I cry. I struggled not to, and thank goodness I didn't because it is always so embarrassing! Anyhow... the verdict was --

Right tube completely blocked - couldn't get any dye to come through. My left tube appeared open and had a good flow of dye, so my dr assured me that is all we need and that is a good thing. So not 100% what I wanted to hear, but better than the alternative.

Dr. H said she would have the nurse call me on Monday and let me know what the next steps were to be, and I should not take the Provera or Clomid yet. I waited around all day yesterday - carried my cell phone with me everywhere, kept checking to see if I had any calls - no dice. I am amazed at my patience, but the thought of all the thousands of times that I had called and bugged them held me back. LOL I figured that I couldn't fill my prescriptions until tomorrow because of my work schedule, so as much as it pained me, I decided to not call until sometime tomorrow before I left work.

Thank goodness, she called me today! She gave me the green light to start the Provera to get my next cycle going and then do the Clomid.

Funny story - she told me to temp and send in my charts at the end of the month so that Dr. H. can see whether or not I O'd and adjust my dosage if necessary. She then proceeded to tell me how to temp, and I told her that I have been temping for a couple cycles but doing it vaginally. She paused, for - I swear - like 5 seconds before answering and said, "Well, you can do it orally." Is it that disgusting to do it vaginally?!? I told her that I did it orally my first cycle and my readings were all over the place, and since I switched to vaginally they have been easier to read. She paused again, and just basically said to do it however I want to. I wonder why she seemed against doing it vaginally? It works just as well and is a bit easier to do.

I am excited and nervous all at one time. I wonder how the Clomid is going to affect me - side effects, etc. I also can't quit thinking about the whole 5% chance of twins things, LOL. My dh wants to have twins SO badly. I definitely do not, although I would certainly be happy with whatever I am blessed with.

And, although I would never admit this outloud, I am a little hesitant to stop my weight loss. Crazy, huh? I want to lose weight so badly, and I also want a baby so badly. I think as long as I only gain the minimum (with my last pg I only gained 11 lbs) then I will be okay. I can pick up where I left off and go from there. I guess if I dont get pg on my first round of Clomid (or 2nd, 3rd...) then the one good thing is that I will be continuing to lose weight.

And this may be good luck, but if I do get pg this cycle, I will be due around my dh's bday (his bday is 5/22).

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My dr is very proactive. I feel very sorry for those women I see on the message boards whose dr is just rude or not at all involved. My dr wants to get things done! Of course, my mind has been completely GONE lately, and I totally forgot to print out my charts from Fertility Friend! Once I realized that, I figured it wouldn't matter too much because most dr's (from what I have heard) don't even ask for them. Of course, my dr asked for them as soon as she walked in the room. I was SO embarrassed. I told her that I knew what I was doing, though, and could assure her there was no thermal rise, and all the OPKs and CBEFM readings confirmed no O. She seemed okay by that, although she really wanted to see the charts.

Friday morning, 10am, I go in for my HSG. I am scared to death, as most people have told me that it is a very unpleasant experience. My dr said that the worst part is the dye, and we simply won't know how it feels to me until it happens - I could be fine, or have horrible cramping. At least she was honest. The other good thing is that we will know on Friday what the next POA will be.

Plan A: Tubes are blocked. That would be the end of the line, done, finished. She said at that point she would refer me to an infertility dr and we would explore whether it was worth unblocking or just do the IVF. We will not be doing either one. We have two children, and I am not going to go as far as to have surgery, IVF, etc.

Plan B: Hopefully this is it!!! One or both tubes are good. She already gave me the prescription for Provera so that I can start taking that right away to start a new cycle, and she also gave me a prescription for Clomid, 50 mg. She explained how we would start at 50 mg and increase by 50 mg a cycle until I O, and then maintain that for 6 cycles. If I haven't gotten a BFP by then, then she will refer me to an infertility specialist.

I am SO nervous for Friday. I can't believe everything is coming down to this HSG. If both tubes are blocked, that will be akin to her saying "You are not having another child ever again." I have been making so many mistakes at work because my mind is preoccupied with all these thoughts. I have had people comment to me that it shouldn't be that big of a deal to me because I already have two children. Why should it bother me any less if I couldn't have another child just because I already have two? Of course I am totally thankful for my two dd's, and I love them dearly, but that won't make it any better.

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