Trying for a boy!!

I got my BFP today! Holy cow - did not think it would ever happen!! I was going to wait until tomorrow to test so that I would be 12DPO, but I decided to do it today since it is Halloween. I took 4 tests this morning - yes, 4. I took 2 Wondfo internet-cheapie ones and a digital first. I took 2 Wondfo's because I just don't trust them - I did an OPK and it messed up and was a wasted effort by that brand before. The Wondfo's did not have any line and the digi was taking forever, so I figured that it was going to be a BFN. Well, imagine my shock when I saw "PREGNANT" displayed on the digi! WOW! I ran out and got the FRER that I was saving, and took that. There is definitely a line there, but sooooooo faint that I would have been debating about it all day - I am so glad I used the digi!

I had thought before I would do something cute for Jeremy, but the excitement got to me. He got up at 5:45 to check the weather forecast, and I jumped up, grabbed it, and ran after him. I tried to give it to him and told him to look at it, but he wouldn't take it because it was a "pee stick" and asked me to read it to him. LOL What a goof.

The bad thing is I cannot really share my news with anyone right now. I have 3 sisters, ages 26, 23, and 21. My sister, Jen, who is 23 just got diagnosed with endometriosis 2 days ago, and has to have surgery because her cysts are significantly growing. Her dr told her that she will not have a very good chance of conceiving, but that her best chance ever will be within 6 months after her surgery. Well, her fiance and her are not ready to have a baby right now, and she called me crying hysterically. All she has ever wanted to do is have children. She has surgery consultation on Thursday, and then after the surgery she will know more. They are hoping to be able to remove the cysts by endoscopy, but if they can't she will have to have full-blown surgery. Anyhow, after all that I am certainly not going to announce to everyone 2 days later that I am pg. So I am going to wait a while. I guess that will be good anyhow because I can make sure this pg sticks and give her some time to start to cope (not that she will probably ever come completely to terms with that). I feel so bad, and I told her that if she could not conceive but they wanted biological children, I would be a surrogate if she needed that. Of course she doesn't want to think about that right now, but at least she knows she has options.

• 
• 
• 
• 
• 

Finally - I am O'ing! I am on CD28 and I feel like it is CD1000. I just found out that TWO of my friends are pg, and countless other people on BZ are getting pg. I am so happy for all of them, but just so sad that I haven't been able to join them yet! One friend is due in May and the other in June, and if I got pg I would be due in July. They are holding out hope for me. We'll see what happens. I really had lost hope for this cycle, since last cycle I O'd on CD22 and that day came and went. I am definitely O'ing - had my peak on the CBEFM and a +OPK, and today I am SO nauseous and feeling the O pains. My temp should rise tomorrow.

I have been adamantly against going to see an RE because I feel like I have two beautiful girls and it would be pointless to go through all that. I was talking to a girl at work that tried for 2 years and then had IVF and now has beautiful little twins (born last December). She suggested that I go to an RE now and see what they would say. She said our insurance covered most of it and that it was actually pretty good for infertility, and she recommended her RE. She said she would recommend going now, especially since my OB is not doing any monitoring for the Clomid. My OB is simply giving me the Clomid and then having me temp, but she is not doing any u/s or bw to see if I definitely O'd or what is going on. I don't know, I am just so torn about it all. I mean, shouldn't I just appreciate the two that I have and not go through the pains of infertility treatments? The girl I work with suggested that maybe I just try injections and see if that will work, and then not go any further.

Part of me just wants to stop after this cycle and lose more weight anyhow. I am torn on that, too. As badly as I want to lose weight, I also want to get pg and have another child, too. I have been working so hard to lose weight. As a sidebar, my cousin lost like 50 lbs and has been flaunting it and bragging (I have lost 34 so far), but I do not even feel like congrats is in order because she was sick and lost it. So what? Good that she lost the extra weight, but it is not like she worked for it. She didn't do the counting of points or calories, working out, forcing herself to stay on the diet, tracking everything...

Anyhow, I digress. :) I am just hoping that I can take a test in 2 weeks and find out that all my decision in this post have been made for me with a BFP!! If not, it will be on to month 11, and a possible scheduling with an RE. I guess I will play the WAITING game again.

• 
• 
• 
• 
• 

Well, it is for me, anyhow! After so many cycles of not O'ing, waiting to O is worse because I always have that nagging doubt in the back of my mind that I am not going to O. Of course, 9 out of 10 months that little doubt was confirmed. Last cycle I was SO excited when I O'd. I obviously was hoping I was pg, but I was just so thankful that I O'd finally that it wasn't too disappointing to see the BFNs. Well, the refreshed feeling has passed and now I just really want my BFP so that I can move on!

10 months... who would have thought it would take me this long? I am going to be so upset if January comes and I still do not have a BFP to show for it, because that will mark 1 year of TTC.

I am on CD18, and last cycle I O'd on CD22. I had thought that I might O earlier because my OPKs were getting darker already, but yesterday's OPK was hard to tell because I used a different brand. I should have just coughed up the extra money and bought more of the CB OPKs, but I got the Answer brand instead. I am doing the POAS ones, not the cheap "20 sticks in a pack" ones. I had great success with getting a + OPK on the CB POAS last month. I guess I didn't pay attention to how much they cost me, though! I couldn't believe it yesterday when I ran to the drugstore and saw they were around $30 for a 7 pack! It comes with a hpt,but I have so many of those at home that I definitely do not need one of those! LOL The line with the Answer brand yesterday was lighter than the one with CB, but it does use red dye instead of blue so that could make a difference, as well. My CBEFM is too hard to tell, and I have learned to not read the sticks. :) The peak reading I got last month (first ever - so exciting!) I never would have eye-balled it and said peak.

I really hope I do O in the next couple of days. We have been bd'ing every other day. This cycle, I have not said a word about it except for the occasional wanting a baby stuff. Nothing about O'ing, OPKs, etc. I might end up doing that if I try to bd with him on a crucial night and he refuses, though. We'll see!

Gosh, I hope this journey ends soon and we can get our last BFP!

• 
• 
• 
• 
• 

I am amazed at how similar this cycle is turning out to be as my last one. My temps have gotten a little crazy, probably due to the fact that I no longer sleep with a fan and I have been sick on and off. But both cycles I had a jump in temp on CD8, the day after my last dose of Clomid. Kinda weird. I also had a backache on the same day. I was really hoping that I would O earlier, but from the research I gathered I probably will O around the same day. Despite the fact that the CBEFM asked me to start POAS a day later this cycle, I still got a high on CD10, the same as last cycle.

I have been throwing around the idea of holding off on TTC if I do not get pg this cycle. I am still losing weight (or trying to, at least) and I think that I would feel better if I took 2 months or so off and just focused on that. The problem is that I really wanted Aurianna and our newest addition to be less than 3 years apart. That means that I have to get pg by December. I don't know - I am just torn about what to do.

My dh and I have been having problems recently, although I am hoping that they were put to bed. I tend to take too much on my shoulders, and he tends to not take enough on his. That is a bad combination! I am an overachiever by nature, and I feel as though I should be making more money, getting a higher degree, etc. I need to realize sometimes that I can't do it all, but asking for help seems like a failure to me. So although I have two Master's Degrees, I decided to return to school (online) to get my Doctorate. We are hurting for money, so in addition to my full-time job I decided to get a part-time job. I thought it wouldn't be a big deal because it is at a daycare and I can take the girls, but it has proven to be very difficult to do everything. My dh and I have very different views on the household chores - I am very particular and like to have everything clean, and he is totally the opposite. I know this is because of his childhood, but it still frustrates me.

Here is a little snippit of his childhood: His dad died when he was 3, his mom was laid off from her job when he was 5, and I would love to say that his mom did whatever she could for them, but that would be a lie. She has never held another job, and there were many, many times that she had a place to stay and he did not when he was a child. He was homeless, stayed with friends, etc. She was horribly mean, and now she he is 33 she expects him to pay for a lot of her stuff. She lives in this wretched little trailer, still does not work, and does not take care of herself or her living space. He talks about some of the places he stayed - cockroaches, no heat, dirty - things that nightmares are made of.

So... I am competing against a childhood with no male role model, no model of how a good family should be, and no idea what is a nice, clean house. In general, he is pretty good about things. Lately I was getting stressed, but he is doing more and it is much better than what it was. I can live with it now. :)

• 
• 
• 
• 
•