Trying for a boy!!

Dear Dr.,

Please convince me that I do not need back on Thyroid. I am not just a mindless person walking around here - I have two Masters Degrees and I am a fairly intelligent individual. When someone (yes, even you as a Dr) tells me something, I question it. Does it make sense that I suddenly got over hypothyroidism? Not really? How is it that I still have so many symptoms? Infertility - check. Not O'ing - check. Tired ALL the time - check. Brain fog - check. Carpal Tunnel Syndrome - check (first time last month). Thin hair - check. Difficulty losing weight - check. Easy weight gain - check. First pg - all the symptoms of undiagnosed hypothyroid.

I would really like to have a third child, but if it is not in the plan, then I just want to know. I don't want to go through endless tests, guesses, and being poked just to be told I have to do something such as IVF. As much as I want another child, I do not want to go to the extreme - I have to priceless, beautiful daughters that I am thankful for.

Please give me some other viable options for my infertility. Do not tell me you don't know, because that makes my despair increase. Please tell me what our plan is after the HSG if it comes back clear (because I know that you are banking on my tubes being the problem). And, on a seperate note - please be very gentle when you do the HSG. I know that I have had two children, one completely natural, but I am still scared to death of the HSG and do not like pain.

Please, Dr, just tell me what is wrong with me so that I can hold another little child in my arms soon, and see the joy of my daughters as they get to experience having another sibling. I want to see Aurianna get the chance to be a big sister, and care for a younger sibling as Kaitlyn so diligently cares for her - Aurianna has a great role model to look up to, and I want her to have the opportunity to be a good role model for someone else.

And lastly, thank you for trying everything to help me get those two beautiful lines!!

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Well, as long as the CBEFM was telling me I was "high" my mood followed. I kept an open mind, telling myself that although I haven't O'd since I don't know when, that this cycle was my cycle. I would be O'ing soon, etc. Day after day of the utter disappointment of seeing the "high" reading soon started to happen, but I would quickly shift my mind into positive thinking - "it's better than a low reading," or "my body is just working up to O," or even "maybe I am O'ing today and the monitor just didn't catch the peak."

Well, what do I tell myself after today when the monitor went back down to low, after taking me on a 2 week journey on high? Complete, utter disappointment is what I felt this morning. I don't even know how to describe it. I have been tracking my cycles now for 5 months, and I have not detected one O - not through OPKs, temps, or CBEFM! Only one conclusion can be drawn-

I. Just. Am. Not. O'ing.

I could deal with the frustration of not getting pg if I even had a fighting chance. But I don't. Obviously.

One of the posts from BZ got me thinking about my thyroid. Have I called the dr yet? Nope. I think about it after 5:00pm, when they are closed. I keep going back and forth in my mind - should I call my OB or my family dr to demand that they retest my thyroid? I have a feeling that if my family dr finds it is out of range, then I would probably be referred to my OB anyway for the infertility. I have kind of been avoiding calling the OB until AF starts, because I felt like every day I was calling the office for something - I don't want to bug them too much! I have also considered waiting until the HSG, and then asking for them to do the blood sample, as well. But then if it does come back bad and that is my problem, the HSG is a waste of time. UGH! Why can't this be easy? I just don't know what to do!

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I had a lot of time to reflect over the past weekend. Why do I want to get pg so badly right now? How is this going to affect me? What do I really think is going on with me and my body? Honestly, I think it is my thyroid that is causing all of these problems. Not ovulating is a sign of hypothyroidism, which... hmm... I was diagnosed with a couple years ago. According to my new family dr, though, it just magically disappeared and I no longer need medicated. My OB, who is the one that originally diagnosed me, is under the same impression. So then, why does everyone else I speak to say that it is impossible for that to happen?!?

It is so frustrating for dr's to not be able to figure out what is going on, when I think it is plain to see. I was previously diagnosed, tired all the time, low BBT, not O'ing, irregular cycles, thin hair, etc. This roller coaster ride actually started 3 years ago when I was TTC Aurianna, and apparently, even though I thought it stopped and I stepped off, I was wrong - I am still very much riding it, and we are going through even more loops and hills than we did before.

Last time, 3 years ago, my dh and I had stopped preventing and were just letting it happen when it happened. I had so many other things going on in my life that I wasn't too worried about it happening RIGHT NOW - like I am now. :) It got to the point, though, that I realized that we had been doing that for a year, and still no BFP. I went to my family dr, because I was also having other issues and thought I should get everything figured out. He drew bw, asked me if I had sex every day (really... he did) and said that if we were having sex everyday, he didn't know what was going on and said it wasn't anything medical. Hmm... That same day, I made an appointment with my OB. I had an appt scheduled for 3 weeks later, and guess what - I got my BFP!!

At the first appt, they drew blood. I will always remember the phone call, because I had my dd at the playground and it was about 6pm in the evening. My OB called and said that my bw was showing that I had a very underactive thyroid. She said she was surprised I had even managed to get pg with the numbers being what they were, and she called in a prescription because it could cause a m/c. I was scared to death, but SO ANGRY at my family doc - he had drawn bw specifically to test for that and he said everything was fine! I got on meds, and was on them for the duration of the pg, all the way until this past Dec.

I decided to go to a new dr, since he had completely pissed me off. I ran out of meds, and was off of the meds for about a month. When I visited her, she drew bw and said everything came back fine and that I could stop taking it. I saw my OB in March, and she was shocked that I was off the meds. She drew bw, and agreed - everything looked okay.

So what is going on?!?! I am going to call my dr again and have her test me again - something has to be up!

As far as weight loss, I kind of got off track for the last week, but I am jumping back on, full force. I hope I have the winning combo now - I am continuing WW (which has helped me lose 21 lbs so far) but I also bought Alli - the only FDA-approved weight loss pill. I am starting that Thursday evening, since I have Fri, Sat, and Sun off work and I don't know how it is going to affect me. I hope this will help me lose weight even faster. I was trying on bridesmaid dresses over the weekend, and realized how much weight I need to lose! I do have to say that I looked pretty good in one of the dresses, though. :) I just hate my arms!!

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Yes, that is what my dh calls me now. Too bad it isn't true. LOL When he is in the mood, he always asks me if I happen to be ovulating (even though I don't think he really has a CLUE what that means...LOL). He also calls me his "Little Ovulator." Interesting.

When we were TTC Aurianna, we had the "when it happens, it happens" attitude. Not so this time. I know that he wants it more than he lets on. He will sometimes say that maybe we should wait, but when I bring that up a couple days later he always denies feeling that way and says that it would take 9 months for us to have the baby anyway. Ha ha.

My temps this cycle have been SO steady. My last couple of cycles I have had periods where my temps just went crazy. This cycle, they have been all really close. I don't feel good about this cycle, at all, since I am almost on day 20 of using the CBEFM. You know what that means? The CBEFM will either ask you 10 times or 20 times during a cycle to POAS. It won't ask any more than that, according to the information I have seen. Soo... I only have 3 more days to detect a peak, and then it just goes back to low and waits out the cycle. I have actually been thinking about selling my CBEFM on ebay, since it really isn't doing me any good. I am not O'ing, and the monitor doesn't go long enough for my cycles. I don't know - I kinda want to hold on to it, too, for when I get my cycles under control.

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Recently I received an Honest Scrap Award from one of my blogging friends: Kristin at http://where-is-our-baby.blogspot.com/ Thanks Kristin!!

The Honest Scrap stipulations:
1. Choose a minimum of 7 blogs that you find interesting and engaging
2. Show the 7 winners names and links on your blog and leave a comment informing them that they have won the "Honest Scrap Award"
3. List at least 10 honest things about yourself.

10 Honest things about myself...
1. We have 2 beautiful daughters - Kaitlyn and Aurianna. Kaitlyn was a complete oops, and I was young - I had a brief moment that I considered terminating the pg. I am now against abortions and I completely tear up when I think about how my life would have turned out without her. I feel guilty for that moment of weakness when I had considered not keeping her.
2. My dh and I met when I was in my sophomore year of college and it was love at first sight. :) Our relationship has been completely rocky and lately hasn't been so wonderful, though.
3. My best friends are my sisters. I was not close with any of them growing up (I am the oldest of 4) but now they are the ones that I hang out with the most.
4. I have always struggled with my weight. I am an emotional eater, but I also have hypothyroidism. I have lost 21 pounds so far, and want to keep going!!
5. I wish my family was closer. As I said, I am closer with my sisters, but my parents are divorced. I do not speak much to my mother and my dad married my stepwitch who I do not get along with at all. She has never spoken to my children.
6. I love to read - whenever I have spare time, I always pick up my current book. My grandmother has a library in her house and so I borrow 3 or 4 books at a time, read them, and then bring them back to exchange them. My aunts and sisters do that, too. :)
7. I do not want to be a SAHM. Crazy, I know. I actually did it for a little over a year, and decided that I wanted to return to work. I love my daughters more than anything on this earth, but I just really longed for the interactions I had while at work with adults. :)
8. I am now happily working for a plasma collection center as a Manager. It is well-paying, flexible, with great benefits.
9. I took a $15,000/yr pay cut to go to my current position because I do put my family first. My dh wants $$$, which is one of our points of contention. I would rather spend time with my family (and we aren't in the poorhouse) but he just wants us to make tons of money. I was working about 80 hrs a week at my last job, which was the same industry but one position higher in a different company. I was NOT happy!
10. I love being pg!! That is my favorite part of everything. I love feeling the baby move, seeing my belly grow, seeing the heartbeat and hearing it for the first time. Everything is wonderful. I also felt very empowered last time when I did childbirth without any drugs - I never imagined I could do it and I did. What an accomplishment!!

I am supposed to choose 7 blogs, but I see all the blogs I read have already been chosen. I guess it stops here with me on this end. LOL If I find a blog that hasn't been chosen, then I will add it. :)

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I had mentioned in a previous blog that my sister might be pg, and then it turned out she isn't. I had also eluded to a problem she has been having. I won't air all her dirty laundry, and I won't mention her by name. :) I am just worried, and so I wanted to get it all off my chest.

A couple months ago, she was having a lot of pg symptoms. Her boobs swelled up (to the point her blood vessels were popping out, she says), her boobs were very tender, she gained a little weight, she was nauseous, and AF was acting funny. She went to her dr for her yearly exam, and when the dr was doing her breast exam, she noticed. She asked her if she was having any other symptoms, and the dr skipped the pap and said that she was 99.9% sure that she was pg, and took a blood sample to send away. Well, this was at the end of the week, so she had to wait until the following week to get results. However, her and her SO thought she was pg and started to make some plans.

The dr called her the following week and said that the tests came back neg. She was not pg. The dr was concerned, and sent her for some bw. It came back that she was anemic, and the dr started her on medications. I told her that I was confused and didn't think that explained all of her other symptoms, but she let it go, and so I did, too.

A couple weeks later at work, she had such a horrible pain her stomach that she passed out, and then she couldn't walk when she woke up because of a pinched nerve in her leg. She ended up in the ER for an entire day while they ran tests and tried to figure out what was wrong. One of the tests showed a cyst on one of her ovaries. The ER dr was not really "up" on the whole ovary thing and told her to make an appt with her gyno to have that looked at.

She then went to the gyno (which happens to be the same one I go to) and she wanted her to go for another u/s to see if it had grown or changed shape since her ER visit. She said that based on that info, she would be able to determine whether or not to have it surgically removed or just do antibiotics for a while. When she went to leave and make the appt with the hospital, the discharging nurse was completely rude to her. She wasn't able to make the appt and was supposed to call back.

That was months ago, and she never did. The nurse was rude to her because she did not have health insurance at the time and said the hospital did not like that. My sister was very offended and waited until now, when she has insurance.

All of last week, every morning she was nauseous and throwing up. She was supposed to have AF and it didn't show, and so I told her it again sounded like she was pg. I went out and bought her pg tests, and they were all neg. I urged her to make an appt with her dr, because it is probably tied in with her earlier problems. She has had insurance now for a while, but has just been putting it off. She says that she "knows" nothing is wrong, but I think that deep down she might just be scared and that is why she keeps putting it off. I didn't let her leave my house last week one evening until she found a dr to call, and she now has an appt this Thursday (although I am not sure if it is for an u/s or just a dr visit). I am quite anxious to see what is going on with her.

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Gave me another high reading. That is 7 days so far this cycle. Well, at least it beat last cycle. I guess. I don't really know what to think anymore. I keep looking at my graph last cycle and see those high temps at the end... I stopped temping at one point, because I had the spotting and assumed AF was arriving since I never have spotting. Now I wonder if maybe that was O spotting? If there is even such a thing. I keep beating myself up over that...

I was reading some blogs today on the HSG, and I am scared out of my mind. I keep wavering... maybe we should just stop with the two beautiful girls we have now. In the back of my mind, I keep thinking that maybe we aren't supposed to have another. But if that is true, why do I want it so badly? I have pretty much decided that I will do fertility drugs, such as Metformin or Clomid, but I won't do anything more invasive than that, such as IVF. If this was my first - definitely. But my third? I don't think we need to go that far, although I will be devastated.

I have been having ALL the signs of O'ing except that stupid positive OPK!! I have EWCM, what I think are O pains, etc. I just don't know what to think about that anymore. I am just going to wait it out and see what my temps show me. I have been getting very steady temps, so they should be a good indicator. Last cycle my temping went haywire, and I am still not sure why!! Some nights I had sporadic sleep because of the girls, but other nights were perfectly normal. Hm.

I really hope that AF comes earlier rather than later. I am working myself up over this HSG so much that I really just want it to be over. I went through natural childbirth... could it be worse than that?? Childbirth is such a different kind of pain, though - it is SO worth it, and that makes it more tolerable. This is worth it, too, but there is no immediate gratification (or even the guarantee of gratification). Hopefully, nothing is wrong.

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Well, the nurse called back and said that they want to do the HSG for sure before moving on to anything else. She said that if my tubes are blocked then nothing else will matter, which makes sense. I guess I was just hoping there was another route for us to go. Soo... I guess I have to. I am going to hope and pray that it gets covered. I have 2 beautiful little girls, and I am just not sure if I want to put a ton of money into getting pg again, even though I really want it. If I didn't have my daughters, it would be a different story. So I guess we will do the HSG and see what happens from there.

I am on day 6 of the high readings on the CBEFM. Last cycle, I had 6 days of high readings and then it went back to low. So tomorrow I am really going to be holding my breath when I POAS. If it goes back to low, I will be crushed. I also am not sure I am doing the OPKs very well. I have been doing them in the afternoon, and trying to limit fluid intake/bathroom trips, but I still think my urine might be too diluted. 2 cycles ago when I used them (I didn't use them last cycle) I at least had a line on the OPK. It was always pretty faint, except at one point when it was *almost* positive, but it was always there. This cycle - nothing. I couldn't even put it under a light a certain way and trick myself into thinking there is a line there. LOL I don't know if that is a change in LH or in my urine. I am drinking WAY more water than before and much less pop/caffeinated drinks, so I am going to assume it is my urine.

Cross your fingers for tomorrow!!!

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Yes, I have resorted to talking to my CBEFM. LOL Yesterday morning I got yet ANOTHER high reading, and I turned it off, said, "Are you sure you don't want to rethink that?" and turned it back on. Of course, maybe out of spite (LOL) it just gave me another high reading. Ugh - why has it come to be talking to inanimate objects? :)

Well, my insurance company is giving me the run-around with my question as to whether the HSG will be covered. I have called THREE times, and still not gotten an answer! I got the diagnosis and procedure codes from my dr, and called them back and they said all it states is it can be covered "if medically necessary." She said that they have to wait for the claim to make that decision, but I am NOT okay with that because then I have to have the procedure done and hope that it is covered. Not going to fly with me. So I called my dr's office again and left Cindy the Nurse (love her!) the information and asked her if this is really necessary. They have never really said (and I never really asked) if there is another route we can go, or if Dr. H will require this before proceeding on to anything else. I hope to get an answer today.

I know that I haven't O'd since before January when I started tracking, and I really want to figure out what is going on. But I also do not want to be getting into heavy medical bills, either!!

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Well, my friend e-mailed me this morning and said she has no line now. It sounds like she had a chemical pregnancy, and I feel badly for her. I have never had one, but I can imagine how it feels to see that line and get excited, only to find out a couple days later that it didn't stick. Ugh - that must be awful. It was only her 2nd month TTC, so at least she is still new at this and isn't discouraged yet!

My sister is also not pg. I bought her two tests, and she took one that evening and then one the next morning. I told her she BETTER call her dr tonight. She has had several issues, which is another blog (that isn't written yet... LOL) and now she is throwing up every morning. She needs to go get an u/s done that her dr requested before to check on a growth, and she hasn't yet. She claims she is going to call today. I am really hoping that nothing is severely wrong with her!

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Much different attitude than yesterday on the whole TTC thing. LOL I woke up this morning and I swear my eyes basically popped out of my head when I saw that I had a high reading on the CBEFM! I am counting AF as the beginning of my cycle (even though my cycle was funky, but that is what I am doing). So that means that I am on CD9. That is 10 days earlier than the high reading last cycle (on CD19). I never got a peak last cycle, but maybe I will get one this cycle!! Oh, I would be SO excited. Last cycle I got 6 high readings and then it went back to low. I am hoping that I see that 2nd line appearing on the stick soon. I am going to take my sister to get some pg tests tonight (yeah, another person that might be pg) and I am going to get some OPKs to use simultaneously. Can never be too cautious, right? LOL

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Now my sister might be pg!! What timing - her fiance just moved to Wyoming, and she will move there whenever she finds a job there. They were not TTC at all, and she is kinda stressed because she really does not want to move out there but he made the decision for them (basically - that is a long story short!). She is working full-time and going to school right now and really doesn't have any money. She told me today that she took a hpt and it was neg, but she took it in the evening. She had some spotting a couple days ago when she should have had AF and that was it. I would DIE if she is pg! Why is it happening to everyone around me?

I realized today that I am just going through the motions. I temped and POAS for my CBEFM today, and I wasn't even excited to see it like I was last cycle. I think the fact that I didn't O, my AF issues at the end, etc., has really brought my motivation down a bit. If I could just have a semi-normal cycle, I would be SO happy. It is frustrating not knowing how long my cycle is going to be, if I am going to O, etc. I am not at all surprised to see the "low" reading on the CBEFM, and I never really expect it to go to "high" or "peak." Last cycle when I got the high readings, it really bummed me out that it never went to peak. I never even saw the line get any darker, and it is barely there (or not at all) to begin with.

I have lost 20 pounds so far. Woo hoo! That is probably the only great thing right now. It is like taking a crumb off of a cookie though - LOL. I don't really feel any different, although I do notice my clothes fitting a bit differently. Since I already weighed 254, 20 pounds doesn't seem to make a dent. I weighed in today at 234, though, so I was excited. I need to start using my Bowflex, but my house is so hot! Our A/C is broken, and unfortunately, we have to get a whole new unit - that will cost at least $2000 from the estimates that we have received. I am thinking we are just going to go through this summer, and next summer hopefully have the $$ for it. Our house really doesn't get that hot, and we have a big floor unit air conditioner in our bedroom that we invested $500 in at the beginning of summer. It works great for night time. Maybe we should move the Bowflex up there. LOL If it wasn't such a pain in the a$$, we might consider it!

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Well, I found out today that a friend of mine is pg - this is only her 2nd month trying!! She had e-mailed me with a ton of questions, and I assured her that nothing is wrong with her, gave her advice, etc. Then she e-mails me the next day and tells me she is pg! Wow. I am happy for her, but also SOOOOOOO jealous! It is just way too easy for some people and too hard for others! I can't believe that I have been TTC since January. I haven't even had a 2WW yet because I don't think I have O'd since then. Ugh.

I am keeping my fingers crossed that I actually O this cycle!! I will be SO ecstatic if I do, even if I don't get my BFP. At least I will know that my body does work sometimes. LOL

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Okay, now I can get moving on this cycle! :) I am going to start temping tomorrow, and the CBEFM will prob ask me to start POAS. I know nothing will happen yet, but it is nice to finally be able to get back into the swing of things and start charting things again. Hopefully this cycle is nice and normal. And I do mean a "normal" cycle that a "normal" woman would expect to have - not one of my normal cycles! LOL I have been taking the Fertility Blend for 2 months now, and I am crossing my fingers that is what contributed to my earlier-than-normal AF last cycle.

One of my friends told me today that her dh and her are TTC. She said this is only their 2nd month, and I prompted her to go to BZ and check everything out. Of course, she asked me questions and I gave her answers, so who needs BZ? LOL Great recruiting skills I have. :) Actually, I told her that even someone who has all that knowledge still needs the companionship, so I told her she should check it out. Hopefully she will. Her dh and her have been married for a while and she teaches kindergarten (we were co-teachers one year). I am surprised that they do not already have a baby, and I was actually beginning to wonder if they were having TTC problems. Not that it is any of my business - it was just a fleeting thought. I know she will be a great mom, so I am hoping the best for her!

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Why Why Why isn't anything ever easy? My dr had wanted to put me on birth control, thinking it would regulate my cycles. Well... who would have ever thought that I would have an allergic reaction?!?! I haven't been on those dreaded pills for years, but I never thought I would have a reaction! Maybe my body could sense how much I did NOT want to be on them! :)

Well, I had started a light AF on Thursday and took the BCP Thursday night. AF stopped completely, and then I started to notice the weird symptoms on Friday. I took another Friday night, and on Saturday I called my dr. She told me to stop taking them and we would talk early in the week. I was SO dreading her telling me that she was going to put me on new BCP - luckily, she decided not to! She tried to schedule my HSG, but said that there were no appointments left for Friday (that is the day she does her surgeries, etc).

Soo... the crappy news is that she said basically to just hang out this cycle and then when AF starts next, I will do my HSG then. AF did start again this week and I have had complete AF - it was quite heavy yesterday and today - but I figured she didn't want me to call again so soon. :) I am going to hold off because I am curious anyway as to whether I will O this cycle or not, and also whether I might have a decent length cycle again. I was SOOOOOO excited when I started spotting on CD39 - way earlier than before!!

But the bad thing is that I basically took 9 giant steps back. I thought I was on CD9, only to have AF start and now the beginning of my cycle was a bust. Ugh.

And HI to my followers - I finally have some! :)

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